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Chapter 4



Date: Saturday,  22 May 1999    02:29pm,  Subject: “Bellybutton”

In a conversation amongst friends, one friend said that women are no less than animals: “For example, you have never seen a female bee prancing around provocatively in front of a male in order to conquer him! So, stop! Let him take the initiative!” 

When trying to picture this in my mind, it’s kind of amusing... a bee wearing lipstick, in high heels, in lingerie, her antennas (they have no hair) loose in the wind as she flaunts her stuff! (I think the word flaunt must somehow originate, or have some connection to peacocks. The example I gave is not accurate because it combines bees and peacocks?!!)

I am at home in pants and a top which reveals my bellybutton.

The radio is on. This is a good song! I’m dancing and shaking my bottom! I’m dancing in front of the mirror. I intend to see only one element of myself: my bellybutton. I placed a blood red garnet in it. It seems to be holding itself in place without any glue. If it falls, I will glue it in place with nail glue.

From an interview I read in a portuguese magazine, I think you might be in Portugal. Your time is limited and you might not even find the time to sleep. In any case, if you can, write me



Date: Thursday,  27 May 1999    11:55am,   Subject: Re: “Bellybutton”

My time continues to be very limited. Still, the desire to meet you subsists. You write like no one else. Your emails are moments of rare pleasure at the end of a long night. Why don’t you come into town, to my music studio, this week?



Date:   Thursday,  27 May 1999    08:35pm,  Subject: “Going to town”

Hi! It’s hard for me to stop by during the week because of work...and your town is not exactly close... How about Friday night? After getting out of work I’ll just stop at home quick to change clothes and then drive to your town – arriving at about 10pm. How does that sound? Any time on Saturday or Sunday is also good for me…I don’t work.  

At your studio? Ok. I have the address. I searched the internet. I don’t know exactly  where it’s located, but this shouldn’t be a problem. What I’m planning on doing is going to the center of the town and grabbing a cab to your studio. If not, I’ll have to constantly keep stopping the car to ask casual passersby for “directions” and be constantly dependent on the attention they may give me, or not. A hug



Date:   Thursday,  27 May 1999    23:19pm,  Subject: Re: “Going to town”

10pm, tomorrow (Friday), at my music studio. Will do?



Date: Friday,  28 May 1999    0:04am,  Subject: Re: Re: “Going to town”

Ok. We have a deal



Date: Saturday, 29 May 1999    02:54am,  Subject: “Mail”

....I’m not usually reticent when I write, but today I’m afraid I am.

I just got back from your studio. I loved meeting you! You asked me to write something when I got back home. You complemented my looks... You’re a little exaggerated J, don’t you think? I’m not pretty. I have scars on my face because some time back I had terrible acne and the marks remained. You’re the best! It was extremely emotional and the emotion is still running through my veins! Let me know when you come back to Portugal! Ok? A hug



Date: Monday,  31 May 1999    00:12am,  Subject: “June 30th”


I’m in a really good mood! In order to send you some positive vibes so that everything goes well with the preparations for your new CD, I’m going to write you every day until June 30th… even though it’s right in the middle of finals! But, I will find time to write!  I want to tell you things!

I hope that your work on the CD is going at the rate with which you planned it to.

Now, what will I do before going to bed? Maybe observe the ceiling of my room (which is wooden) and possibly find a moth trying to consume it.

I hope your work goes well! A hug



Date: Tuesday,  01 June 1999    02:01am,  Subject: “They love you!”

Every now and then I read your guest book. The “kittens” love you! How can you feel alone? I doubt it.



Date: Wednesday,     02 June 1999    00:55am,  Subject: “Jealousy”

It’s always good to listen to your songs! They always have a fantastic effect on me! See you tomorrow!



Date: Thursday,  03 June 1999    07:20pm,  Subject: “Ham”

Hi! I’m writing with a high temperature because I’ve been running. I let our other dog loose. It’s still young. It likes to gnarl its teeth at the people who pass close to the gate which surrounds our house. (It likes to pretend it’s a bad ass dog.) It also doesn’t like to be tied up. He likes running around, freely. The land which surrounds our house is closed off and has a big garden, but he still thinks he’s a prisoner! I usually let him loose for a bit in the early morning. I open the gate and let him run freely in the fields.

No one else here lets him loose because it takes ages and a lot of work to convince him to return home. He comes when he feels like it... which could be 2 hours or 5 hours later. When he feels like it. The world belongs to him! I’m usually the only one that lets him loose, so I’m the one who has to try and compel him to return home with me!

Sometimes, when I’m really close to catching him by the collar he says, “Catch me if you can! Na-na-na-na-na!” He says this with a scornful, mocking and convinced attitude, which I love! Then, I have to run! “Come here,” I say. “No, no I won’t,” he replies. “Stop running through the fields! I’m tired of running after you!” I say. “No, I won’t stop! I love running! I’m unstoppable! La-la-la-la-la!” he says.

The one good thing is that I always keep ham in the fridge. Running makes me hot! Ham works as a good bait because when I show that darned dog the ham, he quickly follows me home and I no longer have to run, allowing me to cool down!... That is refreshing for me! I can finally stop running!

I have no idea what I’ll write about tomorrow. A kiss.



Date: Friday,  04 June 1999,  07:25pm,  Subject: “Go wild”

...Go wild and write me things... Write about what goes through your soul, your heart, your body...

Don’t correct anything! Show me what you wrote. Don’t hold back!...

See you tomorrow….



Date: Saturday,  05 June 1999    11:28pm,   Subject: “. . .”

Steal from me…What? Who knows… Assault me!



Date: Sunday,  06 June 1999    01:02am,  Subject: “Bonfire”

I am a sorceress.

Dancing naked around a bonfire, my long hair loose. Is this proof enough?



Date: Monday,  07  June 199,  00:22am.,  Subject: “Hey...”

Hey... come here... I just wanted to tell you that I left a comment in your guest book this week. I tried to disguise myself, but I’m sure you will recognize me. I was bold.

Yesterday I spent the day cleaning the house really well. I felt like it: rigorous cleaning. So tired!! Five hours of cleaning! My eyes wander over on what apparently seem like little results, but in fact I worked a lot. I started with the bathroom, spraying detergent on everything. I used the shower head to spray the tiled walls with water and now what? Scrub! Floor, walls, sink, etc. Everything! Cleaning! You’re not the one that cleans your house, right?

I didn’t dare clean dressed in my normal clothes. They would end up getting all wet and stained from the detergent and then dry like that directly on my body! I simply cleaned in my undergarments!

I hate Mondays! Is everything ok with you? 



Date: Tuesday,  08  June 1999,  00:47am,   Subject: “Silicone”

I’ve had silicone in my ears for four hours. In my swimming classes I always use silicone earplugs.

I messed up. I don’t know how, but I pushed the silicone all the way into my ear canal. I hope I can fall asleep with this in my ears. I hope it won’t start to hurt. Tomorrow morning I have to go to the hospital to see an ENT as fast as possible! A kiss goodnight. See you tomorrow.



Date: Wednesday,  09  June 1999,  00:59am,  Subject: “Honking”

Hello My ear is unplugged. Thank goodness! What a relief! I was lucky because I didn’t have to wait long in the emergency room, just 2 hours!

And do you know what happened after that?!

Today, my car decided to honk all by itself (without my intervention) whenever I would turn the steering wheel left or right. For some unknown reason some sort of an electronic connection was established between the horn and the steering wheel when I rotated it left or right.

The driver in front of me looked at me through the rearview mirror with a puzzled look on his face. He was even more puzzled after trying to interpret the wild gestures I was using trying to explain the problem to him.

After about 35 minutes and after more than four times as many curves, the car started honking non-stop. Incessantly.

Desperate because of the noise and being fed up with the looks of the other drivers, I stopped the car, got out, crossed my arms and looked at the car and thought: “When you get tired, you’ll stop”.

A little while later, a truck driver and two cars stopped.

Now there were four of us, all quiet, and a car that wouldn’t stop honking – constantly honking – without pause! My ears and nerves were about to explode until one of them disconnected the horn. Thank you!!




Dialogue 6  *work colleague* Wednesday,  09 June 1999    9:00pm

- Hello famous sweet sugarplum!

- Hello pretty one!

- So, what’s the news, my sweet angel? I didn’t ask, but I’m sure you brought me new emails, right?

- Yes... but I don’t know if your interpretations will settle the contradictions that started to appear.

- Today she fells highly poetic, right sugar baby?

- I´m also a sugar baby that got rid of two problems: silicone stuck in my ear and a problem in my car that caused it to honk every time I turned the steering wheel. As a matter of fact, the car’s horn is now disconnected! I have to take it to the shop! Just my luck! If I want to honk, I can’t! 

- can’t honk to warn other cars... you’re a spoiled sugar baby. You want to honk, but the car won’t let you and that pisses you off! Have you and the singer honked at each other yet? Have you met?

- You always want to know all the details!...

- Yes I do. I can also tell you that I’m doing very well! I’m on top of the world, unlike you! I have someone to do crazy things with. I go living my life and not dreaming about it, or dreaming about love or some other shit!...You need to start acting and not fantasizing. I went to the beach this weekend. I went with a guy I met two months ago. This is a record for me in a relationship: two months!

- Was the ocean beautiful?

- Yes...We had just planned to take a walk on the sand, but we spent hours just lying on the sand. Because I was a little pale, I took off my pants. I was in underwear and my t-shirt looking at the sea. I didn’t take my bikini with me because it had looked like it was going to rain earlier in the day, but then the weather cleared up. How could I have guessed that it was going to be such a great beach day?! In the morning we had hit it hard... hard sex! Those tight jeans and that leather jacket with side zippers look good on you! Today, we’re just going for a drink, right? ´Cause you’ve had dinner already, right?

- Yeah. You too?

- I had a quick bite: a hamburger and french fries. And you?

- Soup with rice and a lot of vegetables. My mom does the cooking most of the time. She says that these modern foods are not healthy for you. Because we have so many vegetables in our garden, my mom puts them in everything. “They’re very good for you! They’ve got a lot vitamins and are good for your bloodstream!” she says.

- Very well! You're a sugar baby full of vitamins!

- Do you want to stay at this café in the mall, or do you want to go to that other one?

- For me, this one will do. I think I’m going to order a coffee, a cup of water and maybe an orange juice. I need to get some vitamins in my bloodstream since I didn’t have soup for dinner, like you! I also think I’m going to open this fresh pack of cigarettes. Don’t worry sugar baby, I’m going to try to exhale the smoke as high as I can so as not to intoxicate your angelic lungs!

- While you’re at it, try and keep the smoke out of my hair and clothes too, cutie! You smoke like a chimney. 

-Your crazy passion for this singer... why? One day no one will even know who he is. In the artistic world, everything is ephemeral. But we’ve had this conversation before, right? Nothing I say will convince you, right? You’re on another planet...the moon, maybe!

- Or maybe I’m on Venus, or I’m a satellite, or I drown your cigarette, or I make a funny face or whatever... Do you want to see the emails?

- Of  course! (...)Well, well, this is news! Inline skates! Throwing knives onto a board! Calling the singer “magnetic” and “different” which I think he liked. Do you like to watch dirty movies? We can watch one together at my house, what do you say?

- Where did that come from? You change topics quick!…

- Why not?! It could be fun! Ok...back to the singer…it says here that his curiosity to meet you grows. You guys already met, right? Tell me things, sweetie!

- Yes... three and a half months after this curiosity of his. I thought he was out of the country, but my mom had seen him giving an interview on a TV program which was being filmed live here in Portugal and that’s when I got the idea of “forcing” the meeting. My mom thinks that writing him is stupid and that nothing will come of it. I should be able to see that, she says. According to her, a man like him has got a lot of women and isn’t able to make even one of them happy. She also thinks that singers like him are not well in the head due to all the jumping around they do on stage which causes the brain to shift inside the skull.

- Your mom questions the excessive amount of attention you’re giving him with all the emails you send him. I question this too… he probably questions the same thing! Tell me, what do you want from this? Do you think he is the man for you? Are you looking to find happiness? Sweetie, this is not going to end well… not at all.

- Onto the topic about his delay in scheduling a meeting... I always thought the reason for this was because he was out of the country or due to lack of time because his new album is going to be released soon. I waited... Sometimes, when I wanted to get some news about him, I would check out the guest book on his site and although I didn’t give much importance to what I read there, I was able to put two and two together and gather some information from some things that I read. I remember a message dated in February in which a girl said that she loved having been with him and mentions the location of their meeting, here in Portugal. There was also a message in French dated in the beginning of May from another girl insulting him. She asked him how he could sing about love if he didn’t know what love was, and added that he was crude and that she knew him very well…

- Look, what I think is that he only spends some days out of the country, but that most of the time he’s here... I think that when he’s not recording in his studio, he’s flirting on the internet or wherever! Honey, you’re being a fool...that’s what I think. I also think he lies to impress the chicks. He says he was in Paris, London or wherever just to impress them. Oh! And, of course, who can forget New York!? He could be a compulsive liar, have you thought about that? The truth is that you don’t know who he is. Every now and then a negative comment appears on his guest book, then it disappears…and someone is responsible for their vanishing. Because I’m concerned about you, I’ve been checking out his guest book also. I don’t know to what point he can be trusted. I also think that he teases young girls, girls who have just reached the legal age to have sex. I see their comments... some seem to imply knowing him a little more intimately – these insinuations are made by teenage fans. Be careful with this guy, you’re not looking for a little entertainment, you want something more serious. In regards to him... his point of view is the total opposite of yours. I’m warning you.

- Do you really think he’s so plain and typical?!

- Sweetie, he’s a man, an artist and extremely typical! Although he may speak well and use “fancy” words in interviews, revealing all the general knowledge he received from the wealthy family that raised him, he’s just like all the others. Maybe he likes to wallow in shit.

- Well, aside from the previous comment I mentioned, that French girl also called him egocentric and an opportunist. She described him as a man that lived for his own pleasure and went on to call him selfish, a liar, a pretender and ended with that comment, “How dare you sing about love when you don’t know what it is! You’re crude and false!”

- And...?

- And what?

- Honey, there is more to that story that you’re not telling me. I know you.

- …I started writing to that French girl!

- Seriously?! You speak French? I didn’t know that.

- I know some French, but not much. I had to resort to an online translator to understand exactly what she had written in the guest book. She had left her email in case anyone wanted to contact her and know more about the situation. I wrote to her in English asking if we could communicate in that language. She said that she could understand English, but had some trouble writing it. So, I told her that she could write in French and that I would write in English, and so we did. I was able to understand her French and she could understand my English. When we had trouble understanding what the other one wrote, we would just use the online translator.

- Aha! You’re just full of ideas!

- I introduced myself simply as a nosy fan. I wasn’t harming anyone with this game, so my conscious is clear. She really resented him.

- What else did you find out about her?

- She was a recent graduate who was working for a multinational company. It was clear that she was also full of pride and never wanted to reveal the reason for her resentment. She liked me. She said that she had family in Portugal and that her grandparents had emigrated to France years ago. She said she comes here every year with her parents although her grandparents have already passed away. She said that she could understand Portuguese, but that she could not speak very well because she wasn’t used to it and because she spoke French with her parents on a regular basis. She also told me that she was into tarot cards and even did a reading for me and told me what she saw in my future!

- And, what did she see?

- The usual stuff: sometimes love, other times heartbreaks.

-In his guest book there were also comments in languages other than Portuguese, French and Spanish. There were also comments in German, Swiss, Finnish and who knows what else! Many claim to have met him at an airport, hotel… You see? Do you know who you’re messing with, sweetie? He’s got plenty of chicks after him. What he deserves is an award for internationalization! If he’s got a girlfriend, he tells her that he doesn’t know any of these chicks - that they made everything up! He could be a liar, manipulator, psychological aggressor or whatever... The fact is, you know nothing about him! I think I’ve made my point clear with all the repeated warnings I’ve given you!

- Who knows if he’s not lost or tired of everything? He complained about lack of inspiration when I met him personally…

- Poor baby!… Lack of inspiration! He should do some hard labor like farming! A little contact with reality would do him good! Don’t think that you’re special to him. I’m sure that there are other intelligent ladies fascinated by him and who he’s leading on, just like you. He doesn’t deserve you! Are you listening to me?!

- Don’t worry. I’m always asking God to transform my life from bad to good. If things with him don’t work out, something good will come out of it.

- I also hope God gives you a flexible soul…and flexibility in your infatuation with him!

- Aren’t you an atheist?!

- Yes, honey, but it is highly possible that there is a higher force. If its name is God, great. I just hope He exists and helps you. You’re walking towards the abysm, sweetie. You may be strong, but you’re also very, very fragile…. and impulsive. You have no control over yourself and your emotions. In a creative field, this may even be a good thing, but in this bitch of a world, it’s terrible, honey …

- The Brazilian fortuneteller said that I would be famous... that he would be the portal…

- He who?! The singer?! He gives help only when he gets help. In regards to music, if the outcome is some type of publicity like those solidarity concerts, they all pretend to be good and care. On the outside, they’re exactly who they want you to think they are, on the inside (no offence) you’re a nobody to them. So, he’s going to be your portal? What is he going to do for you?

- My mother said that the Brazilian fortune teller could only have said ludicrous things... at the prices she was charging me, she could only have been saying unbelievable things. She said that if the fortune teller had told me sad things, I could have left there in tears and have forgotten to pay her.

- Your mom is intelligent, don’t you think you should be listening more to her? Ok, tell me now, how was your meeting with the singer?

- Our meeting was twelve days ago, a Friday, May 28th. The meeting was scheduled for 10pm at his studio. He showed up twenty-five minutes late. He blamed his car for his lateness.

- He blamed his car?!

- Yes. He smiled and said, “It was this car!” As he said this, he lifted his hand towards the car as if accusing it of disobedience. If the car could talk, it would have given him a quick response, right there, on the spot! Imagine: a brand new car, which by the looks of it is sure to go fast, being accused of his delay! Have you ever noticed that (in interviews) he’s able to speak without showing his teeth? Actually, a lot of men are like this. Have you ever noticed this? Women show everything! Try talking to me right now without showing your teeth. I want to see if you’re able to.

- How?...Like this?

- Talk a little more... Nope! You can’t. I can see a lot of teeth. I also tried and I can’t either.

- He blamed his car, he can talk without showing his teeth and he smiles. Ok, I’m sure he also knows how to take a shit in the bathroom. What else?

- I arrived by taxi. I arrived three minutes before the scheduled time. So as not to drive around lost in the city, I left my car in the center and caught a cab to the location. I got to the destination, I was still in the cab in the process of paying for the trip when the driver asked me confusingly, “Is this the place?! Are you sure you gave me the right address?” I think he said this because the street was deserted, the door was closed and there didn’t seem to be any movement inside the house because there was no light coming through the windows; no sign of life. It was night, the street was deserted. In a confident tone I guaranteed him that there had been no mistake. He looked at the street, the house and seemed insecure about leaving me there in that abandoned location. When he gave me my change he also gave me a card with his cell phone number. I got very nervous as I waited. There I was, waiting, in front of the building that housed his music studio. Every now and then a car would go by. A few cars passed by. The minutes went by. The road was deserted of people, and I continued to stand there ... I started doubting whether or not this meeting was going to occur. If he couldn’t make it, he would have called my cell phone earlier, I thought…

- What an idiot! Arriving late! Didn’t he know he would expose you? So immature…

- I wasn’t one hundred percent alone...

- You weren’t?! Was there somebody with you? Your guardian angel?

- When I got out of the taxi, I rang the bell of the house. No one answered. Five minutes passed and I rang the bell again. Nothing. I started to foolishly think that he might be in the bathroom with stomach problems, some diarrhea or something, unable to answer the door.

- You think the weirdest things! I have to laugh! Hold on a second! Let me laugh! Ok, you rang the bell, no one answered... then what?

- The street had old narrow houses if you looked at them from the front, but if you looked at them from the side, they were long and went a ways back. They were no more than two floors and all joined on both sides. I rang the bell insistently. No one showed up. I was there because it was important for me to meet him personally! The road both to my left and to my right seemed infinite. There I was, standing at the door of his studio... I was getting really nervous, especially because of the neighbor who was in the building on the left on the first floor. That’s why I said a minute ago that I wasn’t altogether alone.

- There’s a neighbor in the story?! Was she hot?

- She was a seventy-something old woman who must have heard the taxi and come to the window. I only noticed her fifteen minutes after having arrived. I heard a voice say, “It’s useless to keep ringing the bell. No one’s home!” I looked and there was the lady leaning on the windowsill! By the neutral tone of her voice, and her body language on the windowsill, she seemed to be the typical nosy neighbor who lived on that block. She’s the type that sees everyone that goes into and out of that building, knows how long they stay…etc. There she was, at the window! And, she wouldn’t go away! “He probably won’t even come!” she said. “But I have a meeting with him at 10 o’clock tonight!” To which she retorted in a calm, ironic tone insinuating that the best thing for me to do was to go away, “You can’t mean 10 o’clock tonight! It’s way past 10pm!” I was nervous and fixated on her, that lady... she reminded me of a cat observing a small lost mouse on the side of the road. She added, “I didn’t see his car around here today, so I don’t think he’ll be coming around!”

- What a stupid son-of-a-bitch!... Leaving you there, waiting...

- I went into my purse to search for some chewing gum to calm down. I started walking up and down the street. I would walk twenty paces to the right and then turn back towards the door, another twenty paces and back again. I was starting to get fed up with the whole situation! Twenty minutes had passed since the scheduled time…Time was like the shadows made by the buildings that night. They did not smile and became ever more somber. All alone, the neighbor still at the window, no sign of him… I stared at a car that was approaching because I thought it might be him. The car started to slow down... I think the driver thought I might be a prostitute because there I was systematically walking back and forth on the side of the road. I turned my back, as if I had mistaken the driver for someone else and the driver immediately accelerated and took off, disappearing into the night. A short time later another car almost stopped also, but that time I didn’t even look at the car. What could a girl like me be doing on that deserted road?! I put on a mean face and the second driver sped up and disappeared quickly. This happened a number of times after...

- Was your outfit sexy?

- No, it wasn’t my clothes. It was the fact that I was there walking back and forth on the side of the road with no particular destination.

- What a shitty situation! Then what? When did he finally show up?

- I was desperate. I didn’t know if I should keep waiting or if I should call the cab to get me out of there. I was getting really fed up with the entire thing!

- How long was your meeting? One, two hours...How long?

- Thirty minutes. Actually, in the office which led to the studio which could be seen as you entered the house, he said he could only stay ten minutes but in reality ten minutes turned into thirty.

- How romantic! He said ten minutes but ten turned into thirty... that was a joke, right? To make me laugh?

- He was being honest... Imagine if he hadn’t given any warning and only told me after we’d been together for ten minutes that he had to go! I could have gone into shock! I could have ended up thinking that I had disappointed him if he hadn’t warned me ahead of time! At least like that my expectations were limited. But let me tell you, he scrambled trying to figure out how he could stretch time! He’d look at his watch and say, “The musicians are going to kill me! They’re waiting for me at the studio! I told them I needed to get away for a few minutes… The studio where we’re recording is a little far from here. My studio is more to work on our songs… to make demos of songs. I’m almost done recording my new CD, as you know. I’ve got no inspiration... composing the melodies is not that hard, but writing the lyrics to a song is much harder… I’ve been uninspired lately.”

- How romantic! Look, if you want to, waste your time on this idiot. If you think this is what’s best for you, only you know… I don’t know what else to tell you to get you to agree with me. Did he at least take you to the center of town to where you left your car before you caught the cab?

- He couldn’t take me back to the center of town because it was out of his way, but he did take me to a nearby taxi stand...

- How romantic! The guy doesn’t help you in any way, not even in the simple things and you think he’s the portal that the fortune teller spoke to you about?! Are you blind?!

- It was a two minute drive (super quick) from his office to the taxi stand. In this short trip he asked me what towns I passed by car to get to my village! He only knew how to go half of the way. He wasn’t familiar with the other places I mentioned...

- How romantic!...

- Stop saying: “How romantic!”

- You’re being an idiot, sweetie. Can you see that? I’m kidding around with you to see if you wake up from this foolish fantasy that that fortune teller put in your head!... Did anything else happen in your meeting, or was that it?! Listen, have you noticed that women are never cold between their legs?

- There you go again... changing the subject like that. Yes, that’s probably true... the penis and the vagina are never cold.

- Did he at least kiss you when he left you at the taxi stand?

- There we were, stopped in the street, unable to stop time…

- How romantic!...

- He didn’t want to leave. At least that’s what I understood from his body language. He stopped the car, I took off my seatbelt and got ready to get out. He wanted to gain some milliseconds of time and delay my departure, so he touched my leg lightly and said that the fabric of my pants was lustrous!

- Oh my Jesus!... What a story! It seems more like a bedtime story for children… so pure… And then?

- I was wearing tight black velvet pants, a V-neck shirt and high heels. Then, he leaned sideways with his body on the driver’s side door with his head resting on the car window for an instant, knowing he could not stay long and trying to find the power to take off…

- How romantic! And then came the kiss, right?

- You know, his musicians were waiting for him at the studio…some were from Lisbon, others from Spain and others from who knows where... I was a little distressed and said I didn’t want it to be my fault so I got up insinuating that I didn’t want to delay him any longer. He gestured for me to sit down again and smiled, “It is your fault! But they can wait a little longer...!” So, there he was leaning against the passenger window obviously not wanting things to end on that note and looked ahead of him at the city and said, “When you get home, write me something so I have something to read before going to bed.” I asked him, “Something long or…?” He answered quickly smiling, “Whatever you prefer...” So, I extended my hand...

- You extended your hand?! For what?!

- To shake his hand...

- Are you serious?! This one tears the house down!

- He looked at me, at my hand extended in front of him and rejected my handshake with a nod of the head and quickly (and when I say quickly, I mean quickly!) he caught my hand and held is as if to give it a kiss!

- Like a true gentleman, kissing the hand of his beloved damsel! How romantic!... You know something? I feel like having an ice cream... or strawberries with sugar… or codfish with cream… or pudding… Is your story over?! He kissed your hand, you caught a cab, you drove home for hours and then went to write him an email. Am I correct? What a shitty story! Look, I feel like having an ice cold champagne!

- I still haven’t told you what happened when I got out of his car!

- Why? Did you fall?!

- No, but as I was walking towards the taxis, I felt his eyes carving into my back, and, I don’t know how, but my shirt had risen on one side so that part of my ass was visible...

- And? Your ass was covered by your pants, so what’s the big deal? I don’t get it!

- The pants were tight and the marks from my underwear were clearly noticeable. I know that women should wear thongs with tight pants, but… I don’t know... I just felt his eyes carving into me!

- Because of your underwear marks?! Maybe, if you felt his eyes on you, he probably wanted you to look back at him... like a scene from a romantic movie!

- Do you know what his office is like? He’s got a desk with a computer, some posters on the wall of his latest album cover, some green emerald colored fabric chairs like the ones movie directors use. Actually, I also wore a green jacket... but more like fairy moss green.

- Green fairy... ok! And about him? What was he wearing?

- His clothes were not very sexy... On stage, he almost always wears black, but that night he showed up in jean pants, a jean jacket and had a really big turquoise ring on his finger. It was the first time I had seem a man wearing a ring with such a big stone. The minute we entered his office, he asked me what I did other than write. I thought to myself: “Are you joking! I wrote so much about myself!” But, in a joyful tone I said, “You already know so much about me…” It was a way of making him talk about himself – the sentence just came out of me, suddenly. He was a little taken aback by my response, but let it go and started telling me about how he was in search of some inspiration. He asked me, “How do you get inspired?” He looked at me questioningly. My feet were starting to bother me from so much walking back and forth on the sidewalk in high heels, which I’m not used to. When he asked me that question, all I could think about was how much my feet were killing me and that’s why when I entered the building and saw those green emerald colored chairs, I sat down immediately. He must have thought: “You could have at least hit on me before deciding to sit there with that happy look on your face while I’m still standing here in front of the office door that you just entered! This being the case, I’m just going to close the door and sit down at my desk chair.” His chair rotated. I noticed this after it moved when I informed him that actually he was my inspiration. He lowered his head as if to look inside himself and said ironically, “I am inspirational?!” His tone of voice also indicated that he was desperate for inspiration and thought it was not fair that I could be inspired by him yet that he wasn’t able to find inspiration in himself. He said, “You’re deep! You have a gift, you know? You have a very strong character. You ask me to respond, and I do… In your emails I can see you have a very good way of thinking – well structured. You’re deep…really deep…your depth seems never ending! You’re talented, you know?” He replied, “I can make sounds, rhythms, quickly. The twelve songs on this album are ones that have been selected among many others…sometimes selected from hundreds of other songs... I like to write, but I have had little inspiration recently and I need to finish some songs…” He said this as if he needed to find inspiration urgently because he had deadlines coming up. His new album is coming out soon. I said casually, “It’s because you’re tired. Things will return to normal soon.” He looked at me, kind of admired by my tone of voice yet in a very friendly manner and said, “Yeah…too many countries…can be tiring…but it’s worth it…the experiences have been great.”

-Lots of countries?! It’s not as if he’s a super star! Most of his stage concerts have been here, in Portugal. His shows outside the country have been few and on a small scale. Ok, he travels a bit. He lived out of the country for a bit too, right? Did he share anything else with you?

- No…

- He seems accessible, unlike a superstar but still, a seducer. I’ve already told you to be careful. Don’t be misled. He doesn’t shut himself in his house, like you! He travels, meets a lot of people. You’re world is a closed circle: work-home and little more than that. This story is making your world revolve a little more happily, but remember that you’re always in the same place. Everything is always the same for you, your days are as typical as always. It’s just your head spinning around the ideas of what you could write him… You need a man that can give you tranquility, comfort, security! A strong man! Not an artist! Artists are all insecure. They only live for their image and always need taking care of! They need a mom. This is just my opinion…

- The fortune teller said that he would be the portal!

- Send the fortune teller and her ideas to hell! Most of the time those witches are wrong. Think about it, you are not in the music business, you are not in the artistic world, how are you magically going to end up there?! How?! You’re not a singer, you’re not an actress, you’re not a writer, you’re not a public figure, you don’t know anyone in the field…how is it going to be possible?! You are not eighteen years old anymore…everything is difficult in that world... But life is full of funny things…you never know! Maybe I will see you in that world someday. I call you “famous” so many times that one day it may become reality!

- Oh! I just remembered!... He also said that I was easy to manipulate because I believe in fortune tellers. He read that in the emails I sent him.

- You see?! You fall for things too easily …

- He also said that I was very nice because most of the times he got lots of aggressive and insulting emails, almost always from men. “They’re jealous!” he said smiling.

- And…what else?

- We were approaching the door to leave, I was standing next to him and as I was waiting for him to open the door, he quickly put his arm around my shoulder, let it slide down to just above my elbow and squeezed my body towards his. We were glued side by side and he looked at me and smiled as if to say, “If a photographer were around to take our picture, we would look good together, side by side!” He squeezed me a little tighter and kissed my forehead lightly. Hurriedly, we left the office. Then, he said, “I wanted to show you the whole house, but we don’t have much time. Over there, can you see, I have a recording studio. One day I’ll show you! Me and the guys in the band meet there frequently…”

- When you left, was the nosy neighbor still at the window?

- I don’t know. I didn’t notice. The last time I noticed her, I was about twenty meters away. I had stopped chewing my gum, crossed my arms and was looking up to see if something would come from the sky and hit me on the head and give me ideas as to what to do because I was lost!... He was taking so long! I was in that position, now looking at the farthest visible point of asphalt when, out of the corner of my eye I saw a car approaching and slowing down. Because of what had happened with the other cars, I didn’t even look at this one. The car stopped on the side of the road, right by me!... Because I wasn’t looking, he honked! I looked. He opened his arms slightly and shrugged his shoulders and smiled probably thinking, “Hey, are you ignoring me? You won’t even look at me?! It’s me! I’m here! I don’t want you to be upset!...sorry…I’m a bad boy for arriving late, but I’m very sweet!” 

- Very cute! You believe in fairy tales, don’t you?



Date: Thursday,  10  June 1999,  01:51am,   Subject: “Bath”

Hello! I painted to bottom of the bathtub. At first with a paintbrush, but then, when correcting what I considered to be an error with a piece of fabric, I was inspired and I rolled up the fabric and moved it around the paint. I spilled the paint on the bottom of the bathtub and moved my hand around some more! The painting came out nice, I think…

In the past, some stranger felt the need to take a bath without having to heat the water in pots! This person invented the hot water heater and the possibility of singing comfortably in a prolonged bath! No one would feel like singing in a bath if they had to wait, all full of soap and in the cold, for the next pot of hot water, right? Hot water which would have to be cooled with cold water for the song not to be “Ow-ow-ow it burns! Fuck!!!” 

You see, in the past life was much harder. A hug



Date: Friday, 11 June 1999,  08:54pm,   Subject: “Ambition”

Hello! Are you ambitious?

Life gives us everything that we need. Life gives us everything we need so long as we tell it what it is we need.

Ambition is a sign of who we are and consequently, is the immense truth which comes (many times) solely from ourselves. A truth which wakens the capacity to obtain what we want.

You could force me against a wall and with your body glued to mine ask me what my ambitions are. And I, a being which encompasses other beings, would say that I do not have the ambition of being united to my beings. My ambition is to be many beings.

Maybe you feel the same… A hug

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