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Chapter 4



Date: Saturday, 12  June 1999    11:01pm,  Subject: “A painting fell”


"A glass painting fell from the wall, There will be small shards of glass, hidden, Waiting for me, They will be, To attract me without warning me of their existence, Or they remain simply where the fall left them, I walk… I walk barefoot, I like to, But today it will mean putting on, Undesirable consequences, My eyes…My eyes are attracted to, An intense red, That is at my feet, Blood, I’ve cut myself on the glass, Consequences always exist, I look… I look up and down, My eyes follow, My heart…" (end)



Date: Sunday, 13 June 1999    00:04am,   Subject: “Potato Chips”

I was experimenting on my small dog

Search topic: food cravings which are common between dogs and human beings. Conclusion: milk, cakes (especially those with custard - this experiment was not cheap because I gave him several cakes to try), bread with ham or cheese (bread alone is not really tempting to them). Fruit? He throws it out immediately after he takes it in his mouth. But he likes to munch on raw peppers. Potato chips? He absolutely adores them!



Date: Monday, 14 June 1999,  00:03am,   Subject: “Spinning”

Hello! Mondays put me pensive state in a some dark way...


"Me a character?! I am real so, You can shoot arrows at me, Because I exist, You can make incisions of love in me, Because I exist, You can make me spin until I get dizzy, Because I exist… The days spin, Morning, afternoon, night, And continue to spin, Again it is morning, Again it is afternoon, Again it is night, Emotional stress… I cannot stop this stress, It occupies my days, If I stop the stress, I don’t know what I’d do, With the time leftover from the absence of stress, It’s my life, I know no other… Aside from stress, I do not have another world spinning around me, Although fantasy also orbits around me, Fantasy is a one way ticket to love, I went and still haven’t returned..." (end)



Date: Tuesday, 15 June 1999,  00:52am,   Subject: “A funny story”

Hello! I’m going to tell you a funny story!

While trying to leave a coffee shop under the profound influence of alcohol, a neighbor of mine turned to those behind him before taking his last step out of the building, looked at them, then looked up at the lights on the ceiling above him that were intensely bright, felt dizzy and fell to the floor.

There he lay, on the floor, stretched out horizontally!

Because the people around him saw that he couldn’t get up by himself, they lifted him and placed him on his motorbike, as if he were a doll on top of a toy bike.

Then, they turned on the bike, gave it a push and the motorcycle went brummmmmm... He had no choice but to grab the bike handles. The bike started going with him mounted on it. 

He attempted to open his eyes, although the alcohol would cause him to close them. The motorcycle drove him. His eyes closed with sleep. When he opened his eyes, he would gaze blankly in front of him and in this manner he would possibly make it home.

He made it home.  It was already night. Actually, it was already night when they placed him on the motorcycle. The trip was not long. After he arrived at home, he began giving orders!

Ordering his wife and children, who were seated in front of the television, to get up in a line in front of him! “Yes, get up! What is that look on your faces?! Have you never seen me before? I am the boss of this house! I’m going to inspect you!” And he did! He inspected them! I don’t know what he was inspecting because his wife, as she was telling me the story, also couldn’t explain.

The part where he fell onto the ground after leaving the coffee shop was told to her by a neighbor who didn’t understand what possessed the man to turn back around after he was leaving and look up at the ceiling lights. “Look, it was as if he was looking at strange lights, probably those of a UFO. He looked, looked again, and then fell fantastically loudly onto the hard floor. For someone who fell forward, not bad…not bad at all because he could have cracked his head open! Your husband would make a great UFO! He almost cracked the floor with his fall! It was a phenomenal fall!” said the neighbor, grinning.

And so, after he arrived home on his motorcycle he started to boss everyone around! They obeyed him because of his very authoritative tone, “I am the boss of this house! I’m going to do an inspection!” He said this as he staggered.

He staggered in circles…and fell.

His wife and children got out of the line they had formed to lift him.

While they tried helping him up, he tried to smack them so, they let him go. He fell down again and said, “You sons-of-bitches! You won’t help me up? I…I…” as he tried to get up. He fell, got up…tried to stay up…No, it looks as if he’s going to fall again, and he did! They tried to lift him again, this time they turned their faces away from the drunkard’s hands. Still on the floor he tried again to smack his wife and children who were giving a second go at lifting him.

He would smack the air, lose his balance…fall. For a third time. No one dared approach him. He tried to get up again alone and insisted, “I’m going to inspect you…Fuck this! My head hurts! You sons-of-bitches! Damned bitches! You eat from my wallet! I work like a dog and when I fall no one will help me up!? I’m going to inspect you!” He said this staggering, staggering and circling… He falls again, as before. For the fourth time. The drunkard on the floor shouts, “I’m going to inspect you!”

In the meantime, they are finally able to place him in bed. Things calm down.

His wife was at his side, about to fall asleep when he wakes up quickly and begins pushing her saying, “Get out of the bed, you slut!” He pushes her out, and she falls. 

The motorcycle is parked in the garage, already asleep. But this man is still awake.

Then, he went to get his dog that was sleeping in its doghouse. He brought the dog over in his arms. The dog was very admired by this act of affection. The man’s wife was admired also… not by the fact that he had brought the dog over in his arms, but that he had placed the dog in the bed with him. 

The man’s wife only started to get seriously worried when her husband exclaimed in an authoritative voice, “This bitch sleeps with me tonight! You can go to hell. Let me sleep! You’re the real beauty… my little doggie…”

“It was a dog, not a bitch! My husband is going crazy, each day a little more! God damn my bitch of a life!” said the wife as at the end of her story.

Have you ever heard a story like this?  See you tomorrow



Date: Wednesday, 16  June 1999,  01:05am,  Subject: “Calculations”

Do you know what my first calculations were? I learned to do basic math problems at about six years old. One of my first exercises was: “If two people have sex at least twice a week and stay married for 45 years, what is the total number of times that they had sex in that period?” At least 4500 times!

But, my train of thought did not end here! “Pencil erasers wear out at a slow pace. If we imagine that a man’s “thing” wears out at a rate of approximately 0.1mm (one tenth of a millimeter) each time he has sex, how much will his “thing” diminish after those 4500 times? His “thing” will diminish 45cm. How much will have remained?” 

We need to know the initial size of his “thing”, right?

What calculations were you doing when you were six years old?



Date: Thursday, 17  June 1999,   00:09am,   Subject: “Optimism”

Hello! How are you? Good? I say yes, yes, yes!

Today I’m super mega optimistic!

The world is beautiful, you are beautiful, I am beautiful, all the gardens in the world are beautiful, the ocean is beautiful, solitude is beautiful, beauty has attached itself to me, beauty gets whatever she wants, beauty is provocative…That’s beautiful!

I love compliments! That is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

Are you doing well?

No… no I did not take any special pill… I simply like to be nourished with natural food! I’m just in a really good mood!

I’m exhausted… I think I’m going to sleep… That’s beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!

Tomorrow is Friday!!! That’s super beautiful! Almost the weekend! Super beautiful!



Date: Friday, 18  June 1999, 01:12am,  Subject: “Hidden”

There are things I want to tell you, but I won’t. I’m going to hide in these ellipses “......................” Can you see me? You can!? Then, I’m going to hide in these longer ellipses “.........................................................................................................” Now I’m well hidden, right? No?! You can still see me?! Ok, then I give up on hiding! Can I be a poet? Are you ready to see my poet pose? Let me cough a little and concentrate… Don’t laugh, or it won’t work! I’m not too good at speeches, so don’t make this harder on me… don’t look at me… I don’t know where you should look…


The feelings from the soul, Have an intense form, They are feelings, Lived in the soul… The desperation intensifies everything, The volume of the voice, wants to reach the sky, But the feelings in the soul, Travel much farther distances, They are distances which go, From the body to eternity, Distances that don’t go away, Distances that are the sum of distances, Touch me…



Date: Saturday, 19  June 1999,  06:03pm,  Subject: “Horse”

Do you know the story that goes: “Not today, I have a headache!”?

I was so happy about the sun coming out today that I decided to sit on the patio, barefoot, and catch some sun. I also ended up getting a headache because of too much exposure to the sun!

As the headache incubated under the sun, I read one of those magazines full of gossip, you know the kind? In the section where people ask for advice, one reader asked for advice for a problem she had which was that at night she was forced to refuse having sex with her husband using the age old excuse, “Not today, I have a headache…” At night she felt really tired because she spent a lot of time talking care of their horse! She finished by saying that she didn’t know how to solve the problem and that she feared telling her husband the truth: “I’m tired, the horse wears me out”…

People are afraid to express themselves. I, on the other hand, over-express myself, don’t you think? I talk too much… Blah-blah-blah…



Date: Sunday, 20  June 1999,  11:49pm,  Subject: “Bleed”

Tomorrow it´s Monday. Back to work ... oh well...How can I be in a good mood? Impossible!

(poem) Life makes us bleed, So that the body doesn’t lose too much blood, Use a bowl, Collect the blood that comes from the pain, Pour it over the body and the body will absorb it, Then we’ll have blood to bleed abundantly! (end)


Date: Monday, 21  June 1999,  00:17am,  Subject: “Small room”

I have a small room. It’s packed with stuff: a bed, a dresser, books, a telephone, a computer, rugs, tables and me.

I’m sitting on the bed. I just took a shower and dried my hair. I don’t feel like combing it. 

See you tomorrow



Date: Tuesday, 22  June 1999,   00:51am,   Subject: “Flood”

A lot of times I start my emails with Hello… Today, let me try something different:

”My dear”... no, not this one, right?

“My love”… a little exaggerated, don’t you think? Me too.

“My adored one”… It’s not getting any better, right?

“ My passion”…This one is too sweet…then you could become diabetic.

This is not working, right? I should ask for a flood to come and make things more interesting, right?

The days are so hot and dry… I hope it rains…



Date: Wednesday, 23  June 1999,  00:06am,   Subject: “Women”

Hello!  Women…what can I say about them?

At the swimming pool, in the women’s locker, observing women is easy. There are those who like to walk around completely naked, looking for their towel, or shampoo, or body cream or who knows what, with their breasts bobbing up and down as they move from place to place. Men love to observe scenarios like this, right? They find it exciting, right? Well…they (women) walk around all happy. Naked, in the locker room, they take off their clothes to take a shower, then they will leave the shower, take their time getting dressed because they will still have to cover themselves in body lotion. Sometimes they shake their butt as they go get the body lotion.

Tell me, how are men in locker rooms? You answer, “I could care less.

A friend of mine has already made me a veiled proposal. I don’t think she was serious. She's a really fun girl. People always say how beautiful she is. Her beauty is heightened by her makeup, long nails, blonde-red hair and deep necklines.

There is only one thing wrong with her: she puts on way too much perfume. She only uses expensive perfumes with strong scents. I have an allergic reaction to the scent until my nose gets used to the intense odor. She’s really excessive with it!... But I love her! Another thing about her is the amount of “jewelry” (rings, necklaces, bracelets…) she wears. Can you imagine the noise she makes with all the bracelets she wears when she gesticulates while speaking?! And how about when her bracelets brush over a table top, for example, at a coffee shop?!

Moving on: When I was in high school, in a first aid class, the teacher (who was also a doctor) was questioned by a student who asked, “Can hermaphrodites fuck themselves?” The answer was negative.

Changing topic once again: Have you ever had the possibility of visiting the ladies’ bathroom? The little messages left on the bathroom doors are “supported” with drawings, bad words and phone numbers… Those who are more conscientious (me?) write in pencil to make it easier for the cleaning ladies who struggle to remove them…

Artists often say that they are inspired by us, women, when writing love songs… What do we inspire in you, we who write messages on bathroom doors, with or without bearing our breasts? Don’t think I’m strange.



Date: Thursday, 24  June 1999    02:09am,  Subject: Re: “Women”

How can I find it strange if, while women, women will always be women and that´s a good thing. You should ponder offers like the one your friend made… and call me. Don’t think I’m strange.



Date: Friday, 25  June 1999,  10:34pm,   Subject: “1,2,3,4,5,6.....”

...I’m going to hypnotize you: You’re feeling sleepy! Your eyelids are getting heavy…very heavy… verrrryyyy veeerrrryyy heaaaaavy! Theee mooorrreee yooouuuu tttrrryyyy ttooo ooppeenn tthheeemmmm, the heavier they get! Heavy…heavy…they weigh tons! I’m going to count to ten and when I get to ten, you will fall asleep instantly! 1... 2... 3.. .4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10!

Did it work? Are you sleeping? Hhmm… I’m going to test you…by tickling your feet! Ha-ha! You’re laughing!! You naughty boy!


Date: Saturday, 26  June 1999    10:42am,  Subject: “Intentions”

I’m going to slash your tires!... Using thorns from roses,  hello!

My intentions, in regards to you, are very serious! Uh-uh! They are!

In no way can you hypothesize about my personality in a way that doesn’t favor me in your imagination! Because…I’m an angel! My head is always in the clouds…I’m a perfect angel, with wings. (())



Date: Sunday, 27  June 1999,  11:14am,  Subject: “My town”

Today is Sunday morning. Come take a walk with me through my town!

From a terrace one can see valleys and mountains. Mountains that don’t let one glimpse what is beyond them. The terrace is also the roof of the outside kitchen attached to the house. In that kitchen we’ve got a wood burning stove.

In some houses: loud, happy music is heard and the odors from food being cooked can be smelled…most likely a roast. The air also carries the scent of dry bush that is being burned in order to clean the terrain. The day is a little humid, so there is no chance of starting a fire.

What do my parents have in their fields?

Grape vines in trellis that protect the flowers such as roses and other colorful varieties that we have. The trellises also protect the grass that has grown and that soon will need to be cut, dried in the sun and the leftovers saved to use either as animal feed or to build animals’ nests. Growing amidst the tall grass are clovers as well as marigolds.

Around our fields are woods, full of green pine trees, chestnut trees, eucalyptus trees, bushes, moss and wild flowers. One can also see sedentary rocks although the angle of some, however small, could cause them to roll down the side of the mountain destroying branches and burying themselves deep in the ground on impact should an earthquake hit. I hope that I’m not around when this happens or else I will have to run at full speed to avoid the rocks!

The green and the tranquility abound.

I need you to pinch me in order to awake from this tranquility! 

You can also see a stone tank whose water comes from a spring (better yet, a water mine) next to it. You can see the water running through the floor of the mine…You can walk (hunched over) inside the mine, to the source and you will see the water rising from the ground…The excessive water that overflows in the mine, falls directly into the tank surrounded by several big and pointy palm (trees), making the environment around it seem wild, dense and unexplored. What do you think?



Date: Monday, 28  June 1999,  11:01pm,   Subject: “Mortal”

Hi! Do you like hospitals?

My father has always been in good health, but at the beginning of the evening he wasn’t feeling well. The situation rapidly went from bad to worse and after an hour he was taken to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with a problem related to a “rock” in his kidney which provoked internal bleeding from what could be seen in his X-ray.

Everything is better now and the pain has gone away. I, however, still haven’t recovered from the sad trip to the hospital. The constant smell of disinfectant typical of hospitals bothers me, as does seeing the hospital waiting room full of sick, anxious people. Seeing people suffer affects me psychologically.

Hospitals are not happy places, so they should be avoided: In order to be happy, all mortals need to do is to take care of themselves, of their health, avoiding excesses (which sometimes make one feel good, but cannot be practiced regularly) and pay attention to the warning signs of a possible illness because hospitals do not provide health, the body does, the body is a survivor! Although the body is mortal, it is also an incredibly intelligent warrior, don’t you think?



Date: Tuesday, 29  June 1999,   00:05am,   Subject:“Opinion”

Hello... I’m really tired… Really, really, really tired. Too much work....

I have a magazine in my hand and just read: “A woman who tries to seduce a man in a direct manner is at the same time turning him away.” This opinion was provided by a psychologist!  Fuc* opinions! I am dying of sleep… I have to put on my pajamas. I still haven’t got out of my work clothes. So lazy…I want to sleep…Goodbye world!... I think I’m going to sleep in these clothes…I’m just going to undo my belt and take off my boots…



Date: Wednesday, 30  June 1999    00:11am,   Subject: “Snakes”

Hello! Did you know that at this time of year it is common to find snakes cooling off near the fountain near my house? Most of the time we don’t even notice them because they hide themselves when in the presence of humans, but today I saw one!

I saw it when I returned from work and went to take a walk near the fountain…

These snakes, at least in this area, are not poisonous, but they are ugly!! At least the ones that I’ve seen are! They wear ugly colors: shades of brown, mixed with shades of black and grey…What do you think of these colors? Do you think these snakes would scare you? What if I told you that they sometimes fall from the grape vines?

Sometimes snakes lose their balance, did you know that? They fall on us before falling to the floor! (This rarely happens, but the fact of the matter is that it happens!) Then, you can’t help thinking: “Are they observing us?... Can it be that they lose their balance because they’re watching us from the high vines?... Scary!”



Date: Saturday, 03 July 1999,  11:04pm,  Subject: “Squirrel”


"Collide with me, Dissect me in different parts… How is it possible to provide comfort, To those who do not conform, Like me?...  My knowledge of things is strange, I am similar to someone who is color blind, I believe in the colors I see, Courteously they tell me, That life is of another color… The knowledge of those who are not like me, Is rational, sensorial and logical, As you can see, they see things correctly, a disaster... all wrong, I am the wrong disaster… They are careful so as not to damage themselves, I am also careful, But I end up getting hurt, I live unprotected, I can be gunned down at any moment… I do not fear for myself, Instead of sailing, the others, Waste their time looking at their sail boats, I travel through worlds… The dawn is approaching, What if I were a squirrel? Would I be having too much fun? Who can see me? You my love may be extravagant, But I am out of the ordinary compared to you… Can you find me between the invisibility?..." (end)




Date: Monday, 05 July 1999´, 01:00am, Subject:“My grandfather”

Hi! I recall my mother telling me that her grandfather had seven farms, seven children and one horse. When he would leave the bar at night, he could trust his horse to take him home as he slept, mounted on the very horse, held on by his cane which he would wrap around the reins.

When robbers approached, the horse would signal alarm by neighing aggressively. The owner would pretend to be asleep but would quickly use his cane to punish and abuse the robbers. Then, the horse would gallop happily because its owner was a hero!

Good times…there was a lot of space and horses.…I hear a horse galloping…I turn around…I look back…I see this in the moonlight…the dust from the ground rises ferociously…the beginning of the eighteenth century…a shadow with a black cape…he wants more from the horse…quickly the horse obeys…there is a goal…but…he’s coming towards me!...he caught me! I hurt it...what confusion!...I’ve been caught…he’s having a hard time keeping me on the horse…and keeping me in his arms…

- Stop! It’s me!...

- Oh! I scratched your face, near your eye! You’re always surprising me!...Just look at what I did!! How many kisses do I have to give you for you to pardon that scratch?

- As many as you want...



Date: Thursday, 08 July 1999     01:41am,  Subject: “Provoke me”

I’m having a hard time finding a topic to write about. Let’s talk about sex. Sex always sells.  Let’s talk about sex…just you and me ...I feel like it...a lot…talking about sex…my appetite is great…provoke me!


Date: Saturday, 10 July 1999   02:08am,  Subject: Re: “Provoke me”

Talk about sex. I like to read you.



Date: Saturday, 10 July 1999   11:50am,  Subject: “Sex”

Sex: the fantastic act of bodies intertwining!

Sex: enthrone or reveal emotions?



Date: Tuesday, 13 July 1999   00:30am,  ubject: “Inbox empty”

Today…inbox empty…no ideas for writing…But I adore you



Date: Thursday, 15 July 1999   00:26am,  Subject:  “1 year”

I will soon celebrate 1 year in which I attached myself to you…

Everything OK with you?



Date: Saturday, 17  July 1999,  11:12pm,  Subject: “Sunglasses”

Are you sleeping? Are you alone?

I’m going to watch a movie on tv.

And you? What are you going to do tonight?



Date: Sunday, 18 July 1999,  02:03am,  Subject: “Fears”


"What is fear? A grain that one steps on, As small as it is, can be felt, It’s a hernia followed by an effort to fight it, It is a legacy bequeathed even to those who call themselves heretics, In their belief in fear …The fear comes so quickly, It is enough to suggest fear, It is enough, A beauty which easily crumbles, The fear quickly reappears... Does absolute sadness communicate with fear? If the sadness is absolute, nothing fears it any longer, Its state is worse than fear… Our legacy is not absolute sadness, Our legacy is retaining fears, The mortal and the immortal speak of fear, I’m going to stop talking about fear, I am not necessary for it to be recalled, It is said that fear is really frightening! Uh!..." (end)

Do you know something? I’m going to eat ripe avocados with Port wine and sugar…

It’s very good! Have you tried it?

Tomorrow morning you’ll be in front of a mirror with a razor blade shaving your beard, right?

Do you cut yourself a lot?

Let me watch you, I want to learn… Oh, you cut yourself! Fame should be an analogy: eyes fixed on eyes recall a razor blade grazing the skin. You are bleeding!... Don’t bleed because I have a tendency to faint! I can’t stand the sight of blood! Out of nowhere everything starts to go yellow and I hear a strong humming followed by the chirping of birds! I think I´m going to faint… Hold me!



Date: Saturday, 24 July 1999   10:05am,  Subject: “Rose Champagne”

Do you know what spell I’m going to cast to make you stick to me?

I’m going to bathe in rose champagne.

If you don’t stick to me, at least I will dispel any bad luck. This worked with my car. For two months it broke down, literally, almost every week. I bathed the wheels with rose champagne and I even threw in a little salt. After this treatment, the bad luck ceased. When you have bad luck, you know what to do!




Date: Wednesday,  28 July 1999       01:01am,  Subject: “Far away”

I have no topic to write about for you to read today.

In these moments I feel far away…



Date: Thursday, 29 July 1999   11:26am,  Subject: Re: “Far away”

I’m almost done with my recordings. I leave for the U.S. soon.

I’m tired and stressed.

Thank you for your words, sentences, metaphors, metonymies, help and inspiration.  A kiss.



Date: Thursday, 29 July 1999   08:07pm,   Subject: Re: Re: “Far away”

May good things be with you in this last phase of your work. Big hug




Dialog 7   *work colleague* Friday,  30 July 1999,  09:15pm

- Hello famous diaphanous lady!

- Hello flaming hot sugar! Where did you get the word diaphanous for me?

- You’re a disgrace! And, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about! We could get together more often…but you rarely feel like leaving your house. What’s so interesting in your house that you never want to leave?! You’re lucky I like you…I saw the word diaphanous in a book I’m reading.

- Don’t tell me that you stopped being a fervent adventurer and are now a quiet citizen with time for reading?! Was diaphanous applied to a female character in the book? Was it a romance?

- No, it was a thriller. Someone had committed a crime with a diaphanous jar. You know, we’re both beautiful jars! One is diaphanous, the other, blonde with some orange highlights! We both have our charm…Yours is because of your mysterious aura, and me for my adventurous personality and my hair color … I know that I draw a lot of attention, but this blonde is dyed, you know that, right?

- What’s the real color of your hair?

- Let’s see if you can guess...

- I’d say dark brown, judging by your skin color. Last summer I saw you at the beach without makeup and I saw your real skin tone, birthmarks on your face that I can’t see now! You must have a good amount of base on and a light colored powder…

- I would love to be white…an anemic white! I’m a little on the tan side…You guessed my hair color because of my skin color?!

- No. The truth is that when we met at the beach, and you went to buy cigarettes, your boyfriend asked me if my hair was really that long. I told him that it wasn’t a wig. He said that women are full of tricks and that it could have been some time of hair application. I had my hair in a braid…Then, kidding around he said that he bet I believed you were really a blonde, aside from the orange highlights that you have which were obviously dyed. He smiled and said, “The blonde roots do not match the bottom half of her hair! It’s dark on the bottom. She has dark brown hair and I know this because I went to the trouble of analyzing it with a magnifying glass as she slept. The bedside lamp provided light as I examined her roots…”

- What boyfriend?! Oh! I know…the one that needed to watch porn to get up!... That son of a bitch! It’s a good thing that I sent his on his way! The roots didn’t match the bottom! Ha ha ha! Very funny!... A magnifying glass?! Where did he dream that one up? Oh! Now I remember…I did buy a magnifying glass…I wanted to paint my nails perfectly…

- What are you thinking right now?...

- I’m thinking that I need to dye my pubic hairs the same color as my hair so that guys can think I’m a natural blonde. If you ever become a singer, write a song where you have a lyric that goes: “dye your pubic hairs”…ok?

- That’s never going to happen! Me?! A singer?! It’s too late for me… I’ve never sang…I have no experience, but if I ever become a singer, I promise I’ll put that lyric in a song in your honor…

- I really think I’m going to dye my hairs down there blond with some orange highlights…why not? That son-of-a-bitch! Next time I want you to tell me those stories the minute you hear them, ok?

- Do you have to wake up early to make sure you have enough time to get ready before leaving the house?... Putting on makeup and that type of stuff?

- No, I don’t wake up too early. I’m used to putting on makeup. He can go right to hell! I’m with somebody else now…and this guy is crazy about his athletic build… The minute he gets out of work, he goes right to the gym to work out. He’s doing some body building and what not! He takes vitamin supplements for this and that. He’s probably another fool! But at least he has a good body! No, I don’t wake up early to put on makeup, but I should because I never have breakfast at home... Fuck it! You should wear makeup…you rarely do. It looks good on you.

- Do you want me to say some nice things about you? If I write nice things to the singer, maybe I can say some nice things to you too…

- Are you guys still exchanging emails?! It’s not over yet?! Let me guess! How many emails have you sent him since we last met about two months ago? 100 emails?!

- You think writing is the same as fucking? Just spread your legs…?!

- You’re like fire sometimes, don’t you think honey?

- You said that as if I were crazy. Writing is something that deserves respect…It requires a lot of emotional effort, time, imagination, besides the fact that we rely only on ourselves… There, alone, writing…sitting on a chair...isolated...It comes from the heart…that’s why it should be respected.

- I think you should sit on the sofa when you write. It would be more comfortable than sitting on a chair! You’re misinterpreting me! Don’t be so sensitive! I like your writing, and the singer’s too! I think he likes to feel like he’s the only rare bird in the middle of the crowd… He likes to shine. He’s a bit eccentric. Maybe you would outshining him, sweetie...

- Me? Outshining him?!

-Yes, sweetie, outshining him because maybe he’s just pretending to be different... You’re the total opposite of him: what you’d like is to be the same as everyone else, but you can’t. Your difference is authentic because you suffer with the way you are. You’re not an exhibitionist. You are the real artist, not him!

- Me?!

- Yes…you’re more creative, but don’t think he’s going to value your creativity for long! I’m going to tell you for the last time: sooner or later he’s going to think you’re crazy and that you have nothing better to do with your time than write him! Yep! Don’t you see the comments in his guest book? I don’t know if he has a girlfriend, but if he does, he’s definitely not faithful! He can’t control himself! In fact, if men can eat…they eat… and in his circumstances, easier still. Even if he wanted to be faithful, it would be very hard…he would have too many temptations – hundreds of them…they throw themselves at him. You’re going to end up getting really hurt by this guy!...

- My life has been shitty for a while now and if this entire thing ends badly, I’ll try to make something good out of it. Right now, I’m going to keep writing… I’m liking it… It’s nice…

- Nice?! All I have to say is: keep your emails because you never know, one day they may become a book. Your email exchange is going to end soon…whether you want it to or not… In an angry rage you could be tempted to erase all the emails you exchanged with him in order to try to erase him from your life… Keep the emails you send him – they’re interesting, funny, I like them, he likes them and maybe one day you will share your story with the world. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of people liking you! Who knows if one day you will spread your wings and fly around the world and see all the beautiful things it has to offer… I just ask that you continue to be yourself…and not let anyone change you! Stay who you are in this bitch of a world! Stay the same, or better yourself, you hear me?

- I hear you. I’m not going to let delusions and upsets corrupt me!

- That a girl! In regards to your destiny, you believe in those types of things, I don’t, but I can’t deny that many times destiny is ironic. One day the singer (any many others) will be forgotten and you will be shining bright like a star! Life is really ironic… For example, when I got married, I was a virgin, I wore no makeup, I wore discrete clothing, I was shy and just look how I am now: an adventurer! Ok, onto a new topic: tell me about those emails!

- In the email he sent last night he told me that he would soon be leaving for the United States; he probably meant New York City. He’s finishing up the recording of his new album.

- Did he tell you that freely, or did you ask him to answer?...

- Actually, I complained that he wasn’t answering any of my emails...

- Did he suggest another meeting?

- A month ago, in an email…I told him that I had gotten a veiled proposal from a woman…a friend of mine he thought it was cute… 

- You mentioned me?!

- Why? Did you happen to throw yourself at me?!

- We both know I was joking! He thought it was cute, did he?

- In an email, he said that if I were to get any similar proposals from my friend, that I should consider them and call him!

- Really?

- Yes.

- And, did you call?

- No. I didn’t have his phone number. How could I call him?! He’s got so many cuties contacting him that he doesn’t even know if I have his number or not! Or is he waiting for me to ask for it?! I don’t know…What I can say is that in order to get an email from him I had to provoke him and talk about sex. His asked me to keep writing about sex because he liked to read me.

- Did you bring the emails?

- No, I didn’t bring them this time...I was in a rush when I left my house and I forgot.

- So, you have to talk about sex for him to answer you? I see! You didn’t tell him that you wanted to see him before he left for America? Who knows if that wasn’t what he wanted…

- Do you think?!

- You know…I really think I’m going to dye my hair down there…

- There she goes, changing the subject yet again! Look…take advantage and divide the hair right down the middle: half blonde, half bright blue! What do you think? I’ve seen colored mascara which might look good on me…

- You’re joking, but I think it’s a great idea! My sweet diaphanous girl, where are you going on vacation?

- Probably nowhere…maybe to the beach…I don’t know…

- I’m going to Paris, then London and then New York. Eighteen days.

- God bless the sun and vacation days!



Date: Saturday,  04  September 1999       10:16pm,  Subject: “Kilt or be sane”

Today I stopped my car at a rest stop on the highway on the way to the beach.

 As the cars drove by at 180 km/h I thought about my life. I thought about you.

I hope one day that you and me can meet…

The sun scorched the highway…Does my way of being scorch my existence?

If you were Scottish and wore a kilt, I would lift your kilt. If you weren’t wearing underwear, it would be your problemTell me to be sane! 

The beach was terrific! A hug!



Date:   Saturday,  11 September 1999      11:07pm,   Subject: “Ocean”


"The position of a body, Can be an attitude, Even when, Not thinking of beatitude… My verses lose themselves in the memory, They meet me again in a dungeon, They seem to be an escape, Of the torture of being alone which gushes…" (end)

So…is everything ok?

And me?! Thanks for asking… You can ask what I’ve been up to! I’ve been waiting for the ocean to get angry!

For weeks the ocean has been calm…too calm!...So still…The ocean didn’t move… Now, in September, I see waves consecutively crashing on the shore. A wavy blanket! Everything is full of waves! A hug



Date:   Saturday,  18 September 1999       07:19pm,  Subject: “No”

A little chat with my mother: “Oh, my child... has he responded to you? No? You see?!... either he’s very busy…or maybe you don’t know how to write…”



Date:   Sunday,  19 September 1999       06:02am,  Subject: Re: “No”

I’m living in London and will be for a while.

Your mom must be a fantastic lady…

A big kiss to her. A special kiss for you.



Date:   Sunday,  9  September 1999   11:13am,   Subject: “I know… ”

The big kiss you sent to my mom made her blush

Hmmm… in London... Could it be that you’re really in Portugal but that you just don’t have much time?

 Just like you can predict the songs that are going to be most popular and most played on a CD, I can predict the emails which you will reply to. Forgive me, but this is not one of them!



Date:   Monday,  20  September 1999   01:42am,  Subject: Re: “I know… ”

I hope that my predictions in regards to the most popular songs on my CDs are better than your predictions about my replies.

Forgive me. A kiss.



Date:   Saturday,  25  September 1999     17:19pm,  Subject: “Ticklish“

Thanks for answering…

When you answer, everything becomes more interesting...  

I feel like giving you a feather to tickle me with...          

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