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Chapter 4



Date:   Saturday,  31 October 1998    03:22am,  Subject: “Emotions”


Poem entitled: "Emotions"

"I am going to ask that they drown me in the ocean, I want to know what is important in this world, I want to know what my last thought will be, I want to know my deepest desire, Maybe it will be: breathing, That’s it! I can only live if I breathe, But why is it that when I breathe, I forget how much I wanted to? Why is just breathing not possible? Why want to love? Deliberately I make it more difficult to breathe just to remember this feeling, That all I need is to breathe! But after I am able to breathe, Again, I remember that this is not enough! What a cycle! Who made us like this? Were we made in His image? I think so! He knows how painful a situation like this can be! Love... Remove all the furniture that surrounds you, Create a free space, Put some blankets on the floor, Layer after layer, Are you cold? Make a fire to heat the air, Is there no fireplace? Light a thousand candles, Clothes? None at all! Outside everything is difficult, You are tense, You are lying down, You look at the sky. Now some hours have passed, Your eyes are closed, The flames from the candles have gone out, I lay next to you, To keep you from the cold, You feel better, Among the absence of the sun, And the death of the moon…At the end of the day, And in the death of the night…The wind can be seen, It can be seen when I let my long hair down…My hair flutters mingling with the misty wind, A spiral of wind, Is revealed by a spiral of signs...I have tried to paint your signs, The paint spiraled…The strong wind is heard…It knocks down everything, The trees tremble…It scares me, Its presence intensifies, It will pull me away from you… please hold me in your arms, Make me feel your skin on mine, The emotions, You."



Date:   Saturday,  07  November 1998    01:53am,  Subject: “Only one Problem”

Can I talk to you about problems?

Did you know they don’t rise in number? They only rise in content!

For example, today I was faced with a problem and immediately I was faced with another one, but I wasn’t faced with two problems! I continued to have only one problem. The other, I ignored. Heads like mine are like this! When this problem is resolved, I will not have zero problems because I will substitute it by the previous problem. Only one problem! Always the same number! One! Do you get it?

Yesterday I made several people nervous in regards to a possible problem in sending and receiving emails. I made them come to believe that it was possible to send an email and that it could never reach its destination! Even if the destination address were correct. Ah, yes, yes!

Then, I regretted it because these were colleagues of mine that had just started learning how to use the internet. They were losing it!

Because I shouldn’t have done this. The internet always delivers emails (God tells me I´m right about this!) I ended up telling them that I was just kidding. “It would be easier for your houses to fall than there to be a problem with your email!” It was easier to make them insecure than to calm them down and say that I was kidding. 

If the internet were to decide to avenge itself of my little prank, I would be in trouble because my emails wouldn’t reach you! You would never get my emails!

You would be upset with the internet, right?

It’s raining torrentially outside. There is thunder and lightning. I’m scared that the thunder will destroy my computer, but I don’t want to stop writing yet though I love to hear the thunder and see the flashes of lightening...


"Rising from the deep, Submerged islands, The high Sky emerges, Venus’ rings collide, This fascinates me, But does not seduce me, Fascination and seduction, Only my absence of reality, You take away my reality…" (end)



Date:   Saturday,  14  November 1998    10:44am,  Subject: “Sun”


The sun is still appearing these days. The sky also has remnants of dark blue clusters from clouds and raindrops. 

I, the attentive driver, turn my eyes away from the black line of the road to observe the clouds. I am paying attention to both: (until now I have been able to do both!) drive and watch the clouds.

How is it possible to represent angels sitting on clouds (as often seen in religious paintings)?! I think that painters’ visions represent impossibilities.

A cloud is white smoke! How can one sit on top of smoke as if it were an actual pillow that is able to be touched! Exactly! How?!

Still, awaking a fantasy could be described as being seated on a cloud. In other words, you will fall and it will hurt



Date:   Sunday,  15  November 1998    00:58pm,  Subject: “Brazil”


Goodbye. I’m going to Brazil. Will write HELLO 11/25. If not, cruel destiny. Death. Kiss.



Date: Wednesday,  25  November 1998    09:06pm, Subject: “Hello! I’m back ”

...I’m here! I’ve returned! I went to try hypnosis therapy. How did it go? I continue to be myself. The hypnosis attempts all failed!

Go ahead and admit it, I’m the best!

This Argentinean hypnotist, who has been living in Brazil for many years, has a very impressive resume: clinical hypnosis (collaborating with doctors on pain treatments), therapeutic hypnosis (panic attacks, phobias, anxieties, stress), forensic hypnosis (in collaboration with the FBI by special invitation to help on hard to solve crimes), sports hypnosis (mentally preparing athletes), pedagogic hypnosis (teaching auto-hypnosis techniques to students which aims to help improve memory more easily).

Impressive, right? But infallible? No.

Would it depend on the confidence placed in him? Yes.

I think the lesson was this: I have power over myself, I prefer that it be me using it rather than giving it to someone who loves me less than I love myself.

I attended a group demonstration in his office about his hypnotic powers. He chose a person from the group and gave him precise instructions to fall asleep and remain stiff. Asleep and stiff he became! And that was that! Scary, right?

He told another one to, “Eat an apple!” pointing to a “super delicious” apple when in reality it was actually a raw onion. The guy ate the onion as if it were, in fact, very tasty!

Should I have placed more trust in the hypnotist than in myself?!

As I was saying…before starting each hypnosis session, I would go to the bathroom and drink (not the toilet water ) until I was almost drunk making sure that I was still able to walk back to his office without falling over. I think I was able to walk straight…I don’t think anyone noticed I was drunk. My point in getting “drunk” was to lower my defenses and my psychological resistance and allow the hypnosis to take place.

I also met with a fortuneteller in Brazil. They’re called gypsies. And, I’ll have to stop here because what she told me is beyond me! What I can say is that she confirmed that the hypnotist would not be able to hypnotize me because I am a witch with three times more power than the hypnotist…three times more!



Date:   Friday,  27  November 1998    07:53pm,  Subject: Re. “Hello! I’m back”

.....Loved your text…wild kitten    … Give me your cell phone number.



Date:   Saturday,  28  November 1998    00:47am, Subject:  “For you”

During the day, my cell phone is off (for professional reasons) but at night it’s permanently on. Call at the most convenient time for you. No problem. I sent my number in another email.

(poem) "I move in the night, I live for you in the night, The day brings disturbances, This explains why the night exists, In me I want to see only what I want to feel,Near madness for some, Near lucidity for me, I made a knot, I tied you to me" (end)



Date: Saturday,  05 December 1998    00:58am,   Subject: “Identification”

...I haven’t gone to bed yet. You called me! Today around 11pm!

I’m sorry about the bad cell phone reception in these small towns. Your voice is unmistakable, but the quality of the reception out here made it a little difficult to recognize.

What do I want from you? This question will possibly become ever more present in your spirit as you read on. Here is my introduction!

As a teenager I worked the land – my parents have got some farmland. While I was a university student, I worked part-time as a cashier in a supermarket for three months until one day all the part-timers were fired without any warning. We were probably not lucrative.

While at university, I also worked as a guide in an After School Program during the summer. At that time I was also practicing judo, but only for a very short period. That’s why I don’t know how to defend myself from you…nor attack you!

I was also in the university theater club where we did some amateur experimental pieces, but I was only there for about six months.

As a hobby I have also painted canvases, t-shirts and dishes. I was self-taught in this area. I did more abstract-type paintings. I liked it. I like to paint. Unfortunately, I’m not a very good drawer. 

Currently, I’m getting a second degree in the area of computing. I’ve already got a Bachelor’s degree, and although computing is not my passion, it’s nice and computers are the future! In the future everything will be computerized! That’s why I decided to go for this degree; so that I could be more comfortable with computers and obtain the necessary “tools” to allow me to work securely with these intelligent “creatures”.

I also haven’t informed you of my marital status: single, childless and not committed to anyone.

“Lovers” should only stay together if they don’t need one another. Otherwise, it’s dependence and not love. But in love no one is independent! This is screwed up…this thing called love!

But I live…levitating above the reality that breathes heavy air…

What do I want from you? I would like it, when you’re free and able, to meet you personally. Why? I’ve never seen you personally…



Date:   Sunday,  06 December 1998    11:32am,  Subject: “Re-energized!”


(poem) "The solitary peaks of the mountains, Challenge the tempests, I am a peak of a mountain, I am a rock in the desert, I challenge myself, I break…Many times I desire, That four leaf clovers abound, Many times I desire, That synonyms of luck abound…A bath, The excitement of falling and landing in the water, I give into the fog from the warm water, The curse of the soul absorbed by the world, The everyday world, Is hauled by the water…I am a hybrid pirate, My rebellion is mixed, With the desire for quietude, The warmth of the water makes me serene, And so…from these aromas, I try to read my fortune in the lines in my palms…I raise the temperature of the water, The confusion rises, The confusion of the odors from the aromatic oils, Not yet…I delay the desire to get out of the hot water…Background music, A moment with unforgettable moments, The noisy desires that exist in the heart, So noisy that, Compared with these, The whole world seems to be in silence…I covet the color of the stars, They do not live gagged and coveting a color, They are light, If the sky, Is infinite, One cannot locate its midpoint, The sky is unequipped of any collar…And what if the oracles are fallible? I will end up without you…I will end up without my soul..." (end)



Dialogue 4 *work colleague* Monday,  07 December 1998    08:20pm

- Hello future famous lady! This was a good idea of yours to have dinner together. I have hardly been able to talk to you at work lately! You haven’t taken your usual coffee breaks! Calling you has also been difficult. You’ve always got a headache! It’s not like I want to make love with you! I just want to talk, but you never feel like it! Full of headaches! You’re a difficult woman! I was starting to think you were pissed off at me!

- I’m not pissed at you! Never! I just haven’t been doing too well recently. I have had headaches, constantly…must be the stress…

- “I haven’t been doing well!”…poor baby! Did you never hear the saying: virtue finds and chooses its means?  Have a healthy balance in your life. Isolation is not a good thing. Try to be more moderate with this.

- The waiter is coming this way! What are you going to order?

- For you: sex! For me: meat pastries, then some squid, beer, a slice of cake for dessert or ice cream then, coffee… We should take our time eating…we have a lot to talk about and I don’t feel like going home early! It’s cold as heck outside! Plus, my house is a mess…chaotic…I was out the entire weekend, you know? I had no time to clean. I’m chockfull of sex! Both he and I went a little too far! Do you want to know something? This restaurant has a lot of people for a Monday night. I’m done with sex for a while…I haven’t even eaten right…I’m starving!

- Ok…you’re hungry!! Just so you don’t complain about me anymore, that I don’t give you any attention, I’ll flip the bill! I’m paying so order what you want. You can eat like a starving wolf!...I like you, you know?...I just haven’t been well lately…

- I know…I could spot that a mile away! You’re always tense. Get a man and have some fun!...Leave that singer, the emails, the computer! Flush it all down the toilet! It’s not good for you. It’s a waste of time. I’m so tired of telling you this! So, you’ll flip the dinner bill? Great! You’re a doll!

- I seem tense, but I’m not…but since I’ve been feeling tense, I am tense…A year and a half ago I wrote to a Portuguese priest who was also a hypnotist.

- You’re really into that hypnotism stuff, fortunetellers, castles, medieval times and what not…

- As I was saying…I wrote to a priest who is also a hypnotist and author of a book on witchcraft, hypnotism, exorcism and paranormal activities. The priest was about seventy years old. His contact information was in one of his books. I asked if he could solve my problem with hypnotism. I asked if he could solve the problem of my “nerves, tension and stress” (I am always tense, as you just said), and I even get hoarse because of my nerves. Do you know what his answer was?! “That’s lack of love. Have sex, a lot of sex. It is not a sin and I will absolve you!” Can you believe it?! Absolve me!!

- Who cares if it’s love or sex?! Have fun, don’t think about it too much and don´t get involved with weird people!…And all will be fine for you.

- In his letter he also said that he would not be able to hypnotize me due to his age because of the magnetic wear that he would have to undergo

- So, he recommended sex…Good! He must be a good priest! I just wish I knew if he uses the same sort of treatment on himself when he feels tense! I’m starving! When is the waiter going to bring the food…your food…our food…paid by you!

- The guy you spent the weekend with, was it Mr. Violet?

- No way! I don’t give a shit about him anymore! Look…here come the entrees…It looks like the meat pastries. The food here takes a while…Did you bring any emails for me to read?

- Here are our latest emails…

- (…)You…you’re a good writer…you’ve got knack for writing. I’m impressed! Now I feel important! I’m friends with a future famous writer!

- Stop that! What I want to know is what you think about this whole thing…

- Well…you, my Mysterious Lady, went to Brazil and didn’t tell me! You tell him but not me! Well, well!

- I’m telling you now. Don’t get upset with me, please! I love you!!!

- I would never be mad at you. You know that, sweetie! Yeah, you write really well. I think he might like reading you…I liked it. He replies less now. Maybe he doesn’t understand where you’re trying to go with so many emails. He’s curious to see how far he can get in this story with you…Wait a second…He called you!?!? Tell me everything!!

- He called me on Friday night around 11 o’clock. The cell reception wasn’t good at all, or maybe I was nervous…My cell phone rang and I had the feeling it was him.  I turned off the television and the radio before answering…

- You had the radio and the television on at the same time?! Do you need to be surrounded by so much noise? How can you listen to both simultaneously?! You’re not well…

- His voice was deeper than what I’m used to when I hear him on interviews and at first I thought that it was you playing some sort of trick on me…that you had found someone to make believe they were him. His tone of voice was quite deep and he introduced himself rather quickly. I was all nervous and giggly…you know…when I get embarrassed…you know…so, he asked me if everything was ok with me and then asked if I was crying?! Can you imagine? My nervous giggles seemed like whimpers to him! I didn’t quite hear the beginning of our conversation and when I finally understood, he was asking me if I was crying! I told him that I wasn’t and that I couldn’t hear him very well. Then, his tone of voice seemed familiar again...not so deep and I was starting to hear him better and he seemed to be smiling when he said: “I can hear you fine!” Then, he asked how old I was and what I was doing. I told him that I wasn’t doing anything. He answered, “You said I could call any time!...” I think he thought that because it was so silent on my end that I was probably in bed and that I was in some way bothered by the time of his call. I also think that he was under the impression that I would talk more because of the long emails that I sent. In the emails I told him that he could call any time, but the silence in my room and my lack of conversation seemed to be bothering him. Quickly, I said, “Everything is good! No problem!...” As if to say, I’m not talking much, but it’s a huge pleasure to hear you. So, he asked me where I lived and with whom I lived and I told him that I lived with my family (família). Then he asked, “With who?!” From his tone of voice, I think he must have understood “With my daughter (filha)!” He was being faced with too many surprises…first, he was expecting me to be a talker like in my emails, and I wasn’t talking! Then, he thought I had a daughter! So, I repeated: family… He said, “Keep writing and I’ll keep replying. One day you can spend the night here.” I kept hearing those last two sentences in my head…unsure if that was what he had really said…Then, I think he said goodbye, a kiss or something. I don’t know if I answered…I can’t remember. A few minutes later I think I understood his question, “Who do you live with?” Maybe if I had said that I lived alone he could have come by…I don’t know…

- Those questions are typical on blind dates. The end of his conversation was quite clear. He is exactly like I told you he would be the first time you told me you had a friend (you) that exchanged emails with him, remember? He is curiosity, emotion…I like it…I want sex, now! One day you can spend the night… Sweetie! I should write to him! You think he wants to hear poetic words? He wants to fuck you, honey! He is tricking you, my angel! I bet he’s doing the same thing to lots of other girls!

- Sweetie, what he’s got does not wear out, and after a good wash it becomes like new again! There’s enough to go around. Do you think he’s really so shallow? Can he really be like you describe him?

- If he were shallow it wouldn’t be all that bad…Sweetie, he wants to fornicate and take advantage of his fans, messing with women who are intelligent and have university degrees. This way he doesn’t have to spend his money on whores and risk catching STDs.

- Do you think things are really like that with him? It’s difficult to believe. When I see him on interviews, he seems so understanding...different…

- Be careful with those types of people called “public figures”...The better they look, the more crap they hide. I’m warning you! Don’t think it was a privilege to get a phone call from him. This must be a routine for him: inquiring about age to make sure they’re not underage or too old, besides wanting to make sure they are sufficiently manipulable and so on.Wouldn’t it be more logical to send this guy on his way? Either you send him on his way now or one day he’ll send you on yours! When he sees that you’re not into his game, he’s going to tell you to get lost!

- Do you think?!...

- Even if the scenario here were that he was looking for someone different, you must also consider that he may have a lot of others girls after him. All types of girls!...Different, common, ordinary, extraordinary... Don’t get deluded. He can’t stop the habit that he’s used to: easy sex. The same girl just for one night! That’s it! He probably doesn’t want one woman in particular. He probably doesn’t want any woman! He simply can’t resist being seductive and playing around! And the girls think they captivate him! Then, he’ll stop emailing or calling and they’ll think that he’s busy with concerts and only after some time will they understand that he left, for good! I could handle guys like that...I know how they work...Be careful! You’re gonna get hurt! You’re not going to get anything out of this! Get out while you still can. Now it will hurt a little, but if you continue to write and get more involved, the fall will hurt more. This story has got no future. At first glance it could seem that he’s worth it: somewhat famous, some social status, money, the possibility of seeing spectacular places through travels together… Be careful! Most of them are fake. They enchant in one minute and deceive in the next. He will only be “faithful” when his career starts to go down, when the media no longer cares about him. Artists are like this…When they fall, they rarely get up. With time, they are forgotten and it’s here where their temptations (especially those in female form) are significantly lessened and it becomes easier to be faithful to him.

- Here comes dinner! Let’s eat. I’ll see how things evolve with him…

- I don’t want to let you down, but I think that even a young 15 year old girl could see through his game... Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s the type of guy that tries to penetrate all girls’ hearts, if you know what I mean...He offers himself to them: “Do you want me?! Come here…you can reach me!” Do you understand? Sex! Who knows if he knows what love is! You’re fragile! You don’t have my psychological resistance for these little love games! Promise me you’ll take care of yourself and not let anyone hurt you.

- Ok…

- Cheer up...Don’t let these truths let you down. Look, I’m going to make you smile! I’m going to tell you the story of Mr. Violet.

- There comes the octopus!... But, didn’t you break up with him?

- Yeah, I broke it off, but there are a few details that I didn’t tell you about! So, it goes like this: I wanted to mess with his mind a little bit. I liked him far more than I should have, but he was being asshole… and so I went to sleep in his apartment (I still had the key) with another guy.

- He was sleeping with another guy?!

- No honey!! I slept in his bed with another guy!!

- What?! You’re worse than a soap opera! I want all the details! I’m all ears!

- Only if you call me sweetie!...

- Sweet caramel liquor...who likes octopus quite a lot...tell me the story!

- I told the guy that it was my apartment. He didn’t even have time to look around because we went straight to bed. I tried to prolong the foreplay as much as I could if not, when Mr. Violet arrived, there would be nothing to see…it would all have been over and I wouldn’t have been able to act out my revenge! So, right before going to bed with the other guy I called Mr. Violet and told him that I had something urgent to show him and that he should get home soon. I asked if I could wait for him at the apartment, and he said yes. The minute I heard the key in the lock I jumped on the guy...both of us naked in Mr. Violet’s bed. It was all sex! I started to moan loudly so that I was sure he could hear me and not leave for a drink at the café on the corner when he didn’t see me in the living room. My moans immediately got his attention...I wish you could have seen his face when he walked into the bedroom and saw a naked guy on top of me!

- How did Mr. Violet react? He must have had a pissed look on his face, right?

- Well, I thought the same. I thought that he was going to get pissed and have a bad reaction, but when I realized it, Mr. Violet had taken off his clothes and was jumping into the bed to get in on the action! At this point, the other guy was under me. He got into this position in a panic with the unexpected entrance of a total stranger in the bedroom, but he seemed to get even more excited than before! And me? I was about to get involved with not one, but two skeeves! I tried to get off the guy that was under me, but he was holding on really tight. Mr. Violet went up behind me and grabbed my hair and was trying to do it with me! Because I was so pissed that Mr. Violet was actually liking the situation and trying to get in on the action, I elbowed him and then I punched the guy that was under me in the eye! Still naked I went to get some pepper spray that I always carry in my bag. It makes your eyes burn like hell! I couldn’t find the bag for a bit and when I finally did, I headed back towards the room. When I got back to the room I saw the two of them caressing each other! If you could only have seen my face! I was furious! My plan was ruined! Mr. Violet was not jealous at all and as if that weren’t enough, he was taking advantage of a guy I had arranged for me! And, by the looks of things he was liking the guy a lot more! Two little violets in violet action!

- Hilarious! Makes me laugh…

- Yeah, I’m the best! Listen, I was furious! Both of them practically laughed in my face! I don’t even know what I was doing there with the pepper spray in my hand…without knowing what to do, but when I saw that they were laughing in my face again I had the impulse to spray their eyes, their thingy and their ass!

- Whose? Mr. Violet’s?

- Both of them! They were so horny that they didn’t even see what I had in my hand. They were too excited to think or defend themselves! I sprayed them! I was finally having fun! I started to laugh. They curled in the pain! The first to curl up was Mr. Violet, who was on top of the other one. Then, the other guy, who was squirming in pain and whose eyes were burning and had a bad taste in his mouth because some of the pepper spray got into it, pushed Mr. Violet violently off the bed and onto the floor. Now, it was Mr. Violet who was moaning! Boy, did he moan! Then, he started to call me bitch! “Bitch! And your mother is a bitch too!” I said, “I may be a bitch, but my mother is a respectable woman! You asshole!” And I sprayed him with some more pepper spray right in the eyes!

- Beautiful! You make me laugh…

- But there’s more, honey! I grabbed my clothes and his car keys...I wasn’t done yet! I had to mess with his mind a little more! I drove his car to a deserted street in the area and I crashed into a light post on purpose! The car wasn’t too banged up. It was still drivable, so I sped up (but not too much ´cause I could get hurt) and ran into a tree! I got pretty dizzy because of that, but I didn’t bang up the car as much as I wanted to! Can you believe it?!

-You wanted to bang up his car and you weren’t able to! That’s hilarious! Bad  
luck, huh?

- To mess up his car like I wanted to I would have had to be driving a lot faster into the tree but then I’d probably end up at the hospital with some broken bones too. I was really pissed the fuck off!

- And? How did you get out of there? Was the car still drivable?

- How should I know? I was all sore from the crashes. Before someone came to see what was going on, I turned off the headlights and I ran (barefoot) with my shoes in my hand as far as I could. The minute I saw some grass, I laid down. My head and body were killing me. Damn crash! In the distance I could see cars stopping to check out the accident. Mr. Violet’s car was releasing liquids...water, oil...They stopped their cars so that their headlights were facing Mr. Violet’s crashed up car in order to see the vehicle better and to check for any victims. I observed everything from a distance.

- Nice! Cool!

- You can stay in my house, if you want. You live farther from work than I do. It’s almost 11pm. We could go to work together in the morning, what do you say?

- I want to change my outfit. I have to go home. My clothes and my hair smell like food and soon, of your cigarette smoke.

- About the singer...In your email you say that you’d like to meet him personally. Finally! Enough with the emails!

- You’re right…



Date: Saturday, 12 December 1998       06:32pm,  Subject: “Things without mermaids”

....hey, what’s up? The subject of this email is alluring, isn’t it?

In fact, this email is really without mermaids because I’m not going to allude to them at all.

Me being a witch, aren´t you afraid that I’ll put a spell on you?

You know...I am a good witch. If I see a fly or a bumblebee drowning, I immediately go and try to save it and watch over it to make sure it can catch its breath. I come just short of giving it mouth to mouth resuscitation. I’m a good girl J I like to help when I can...

Last Friday, I was returning home from work, it was already dark and as I was driving I looked over and saw what seemed to be, a white dog hanging on the hillside by the collar.

I stopped the car, backed up and turned on my hazard lights. I got out of the car and realized that it was not a dog, but a white goat. When it saw me, it started going: meh-meh-mmeheheh-eh-eh!

Facing the hillside I thought to myself, “What do I do now?”

Having stopped in the middle of the street with the car badly parked due to my rapid exit, I was still thinking, “What do I do now?!” On the other side of the road I saw a coffee shop. It seemed to be a busy night, for there were lots of people entering and existing the establishment. I went over to ask for help.

They brought a knife to cut the rope in case they couldn’t hoist the goat back over the hillside to the land where the animal had initially fallen from.

The fact of the matter is that five minutes after I went over to the cafe in my high heels and tight jeans (which I don’t usually wear because although it may be nice to look at it’s not very comfortable clothing to wear…tight!), the goat was hoisted back over the hillside!  During the entire process she kept saying meh-meh-mm-eh-eh-eheheh! She must have been saying, “I’m going to die! They’re tricking me! Pull slowly!” After that she still continued with the meh-meheheh thing. At that point she must have been saying, “What a shitty day!” Meanwhile I asked if the situation was common around there…seeing a goat hanging like that because surely whomever passed on the street or close by either didn’t see it hanging there or just ignored it. One of the guys answered, “The goat shouldn’t have been stupid! She always goes over there to graze, tied to a long rope attached to a tree at one end! She should know that if she gets too close to the hillside, she could fall. In any case, I didn’t realize she was at risk of being strangled to death otherwise I would’ve come to the aid of the animal earlier, of course!”

I’m not the only helpful person...There are a lot of friendly people! This world is fantastic!

I would love for you to write, but if you don’t I know you don´t have the time ´cause you’re a VIP and have no time!

I am a good witch, who would never wish you harm. Only good things! Kiss



Date: Sunday,  13 December 1998    03:58am     Subject: Re: “Things without mermaids!”

I would like to see a picture of you, good witch.

It can be in jeans or high heels or both…you choose. A kiss.



Date: Sunday,  13 December 1998    10:43am,  Subject: “ Photo “

I don’t have a recent photo of myself. To top it off, I don’t even have a camera. I either lost or someone stole my camera in Brazil, but you will get a photo of mine!

Meanwhile, I can give you some details about myself: long dark hair and almost beautiful

I’m going to a photography studio to get some pictures done, although I don’t like these things very much. I never think I look pretty...women! You know how we are!



Date: Monday,  14  December 1998    07:26pm,   Subject: Re:” Photo “

Send the photo to my post office box in my name. A kiss.



Date: Saturday,  19  December 1998  05:23pm     Subject: “Generalities – 10 Points”

Point 1

Hi! I will presume that you received the photo. On the contrary, if you still haven’t received it then something went wrong and it has gone missing. If the latter has occurred, please let me know and I will send you another photo which will not escape you the next time around. I believe it’s very likely that you received it.

I like, at times, to be pessimistic either because I have reason to be or because it’s an obsession to be pessimistic. In both cases I feel optimistic because, in the first case (having reason to be pessimistic) as I have been psychologically prepared, in the end there is no surprise for me and in the second case, I know that it is just an obsession and that everything will turn out fine. In other words, everything will be OK in the end.

When I am optimistic, I distrust my optimism and opt once again to be pessimistic, just to be lucky!

I’m kidding! I’m not as serious as that! The truth is that at times the real things or the “harsh realities of life” anger me and so I feel like cutting them into pieces so that they become ever so small until they become invisible!

Point 2

I am going to be wandering in your neighborhood this weekend... probably hitting a café, pub or club with some girlfriends. Sometimes, when trying to reach unanimous decisions, lots of heads with individual tastes that can’t be argued…lots of opinions and lots of time deciding where to go, a lot of time is lost. At other times, it doesn’t matter: we want to clear our mind and any place will do. 

Point 3

I need to study, urgently! I have exams soon. I have to take care of myself or else... ouch...ouch...ouch...ouchchch! (I’m doing a second degree in computing)

Point 4

I’ve got problems! I like to understand people’s mental schemes. This is a problem, don’t you think ?  No one tells me explicitly how their own mind functions!

I like people who are rebellious, sensitive and intelligent. Like me…You know what I mean, don’t you?

I think you’re the same.

Point 5

When a profession is not simply a means of sustenance, work can be good! Money...the more you have, the more needs materialize... It really makes one want to abandon everything and be poor. Of course I’m talking nonsense! I thinks it’s super good to be super rich!

By any chance, do you need someone to hear you sing, cry, protest, tell jokes to... to hear you say things that make a lot of sense or, when you feel like it, to say things that are hardly understandable?... For this type of a job I ask for half of the national minimum wage. Just enough for me not to die of starvation. I don’t like to be hungry! I like to eat! I have an aversion to diets. I can eat pickles followed by a cup of milk and then canned pineapple, a beer, more milk, and pickles again. How’s your stomach reacting to all this food?

Point 6

Iraq...There’s so much talk about this country recently and the threat of a chemical war! I’m going to tell you about the fortuneteller in Brazil again. At that time, I asked her about my duration on this planet. According to her I’ve got another 40 years ahead of me.

I also asked her about the possibility of there being a war on a big scale. She said that there would be a chemical war and that it had already begun. Then, I asked her if that were the case, how could I live that many years. She said, “There will be countries that will not be affected by this war, such as Brazil. A lot of people will come to Brazil and other unaffected countries such as: Portugal, France, Italy…” and she went on to mention other countries, but right now I can’t remember exactly which ones.

She also said that when the current Pope dies (John Paul II) the anti-Christ will be born. She said that Christ would return again, shortly, but this time in the form of a woman. His mother (Christ’s) had already been selected. She was Brazilian, and was not aware of her own destiny, but that she would be watched over by three spiritual guides.

I warned you in a previous email about my trip to Brazil and about a fortune teller telling me some strange things! And, this is not everything! There is more! Do you want to laugh a bit? Here it goes: She also said that you would be my door! (I don’t know what door she was referring to…I didn’t understand! Do you? Do you know what she’s talking about?) And, there’s still more! She said that one day I would be very, very famous... she meant internationally. Can you believe it?! I was dumbfounded! Then, she said something sad about you. I don’t know if I should tell you what she told me, but here is what she said: a while back you were in a deep depression and tried to kill yourself, that you were quite insecure although now you’re more secure of yourself and that your good looks make you out to be very self-confident…She also said that there was not much unity in your family between you, your parents and your siblings; that each person just went on with their own life independent of the others and that the time you did spend together was short and routine. She also said that you have a son although you have yet to disclose this publicly so that you don’t risk alienating your fans. She said that you are not faithful and that many times you have caused pain to many women who entrusted themselves to you and whom you deceive intentionally causing them to suffer deep psychological scars. She went on to say that this would bring you bad karma and that one day your music career would start to gradually and ultimately fall down onto the ground and that you would never be able to recover from this.  I hope I’m not being offensive…you don’t believe in fortunetellers, right?

Point 7

A few days ago I came upon a magazine with an article on the topic of the harassment of public figures, especially stars, being that a major part of those who harass are females harassing males. I was a bit bothered by this article and an uncomfortable question entered my mind: “Am I harassing you?”   

I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m harassing you…unless you see this as a good thing  J

Point 8

What would happen if each one of us, on our birthday chose to celebrate minutes old instead of years old? We would be millenarians, super old! So many minutes! We look better simply celebrating the number of years old we are! I don’t think age should dictate life opportunities. It’s bad enough that people do that!

Point 9


I’ve got a fever, I’m burning, But I’m not hot, Idiocies…I feel like dancing, One of your arms holds my body down, The other arm confirms that I’m secure, My head on your shoulder, You hold me so tight, I can´t move, Contradictory is the reality of the movement, Connected to you so tightly, I move more freely… Around us the objects breathe in oxygen, They do the opposite of me, I hold my breath, Soon I will lose my senses, I must lose myself, I feel too much...Losing myself, Not being aware of my existence, Not knowing myself,  I will also not recognize my other sentiments, I won´t feel as much as I do now, I´m always thinking about you...I adopt a subdued posture for you to protect me, I let you become a power that withdraws me from myself, Each fantastic being searches for one of its species, When I transform into one, I need to know that I am not alone, Are you with me?

Point 10

A hug

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