Chapter 4

P2Romance

 

Date: Saturday, 08 August 1998     4:01pm,  Subject: “ Simply Hello “ 

I’m happy to see that you can be contacted via email, although, almost certainly, you aren’t the one that will be replying, which is justifiable. 

This email is simply to wish you the very best that this world has to offer you, but not all the best, ´cause you need some pain. Otherwise, where would your inspiration come from? What does inspiration seek? The infinite!

No one has seen the infinite. But they know it’s symbol: . What cannot be materialized can be symbolized. Poems are just that: symbols, for many, of things which they have not seen.

You are admired by many, including me. Why? Emotional reasons…enchantment.

Enchant us and don’t let anyone wake us from this spell, not even to say, “Hello!”

 

 

Date: Sunday, 09 August 1998   2:08 pm,  Subject:  Re: “ Simply Hello “ 

I can’t not attempt to return even a little of the beauty with which you surprised me. Poems and words are magical inventions which allow us to love, and in turn, live. Thank you for your beautiful: forests that are veiled in each syllable, in each taste of the world. Welcome.

A kiss

 

 

Date: Saturday,  15 August 1998     8:20 am,  Subject: “Hello2“ 

Hi

If I wrote saying: “I have Tsexophobia!” what would I would be convincing you that I had?

I know the term seems to remind one of a sex phobia…is this the real meaning of Tsexophobia?

No! Sexophobia is a medical term for morbid fear of sex organs or sexual activity.

Tsexophobia is merely a word that I invented just now to substitute a number of other words, to define the horrors of travel preparation! So… the only reality of Tsexophobia is the “T”…the T which comes from travelling…  I really have extreme horror of travel preparation! About Sexophobia… I don’t have any fears of this kind at all.

You awaken in me the desire to write!

There are theories about famous people: that they want to be known, yet unrecognized when walking down the street. Or still the theory that they do not reply to their emails personally. You proved this last theory to be false. That felt good!

 

 

Date:   Monday,  17  August 1998     03:11am,  Subject: Re: “Hello2“ 

There are things which are close to music because of their beauty, their enchantment or merely their simplicity. Your message was a little bit of music, which suddenly, assaulted me from across the computer screen. I would love to meet you.

A kiss.

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  22 August 1998    6:30am,  Subject: “Hello3“ 

Hi! It’s 6:30am! Friday finished a short time ago. For me it will only finish when I close my eyes.

A group of friends, a nightclub and let’s have fun! I’m talking about the city I just returned from, right now! The music? Quite loud!

Some well-known songs, but with new mixes. I danced, danced, danced!

I tired the body to give my soul a rest. I call the tiredness of the soul: stress.

The ceiling of the nightclub could have been a little higher for me to better contemplate the music. The people’s movements could have been more liberating to better express the music they were hearing.

But I changed my mind about this when I burned my pants on a cigarette. The cigarette in the hand of an extended arm while the chin, lifted, ready to play violin, hung on a head which seemed to deny the body and want to free itself from it. I’m talking about the guy next to me. (Taking a closer look at my pants now I see four cigarette marks! Four burnt holes!)

You would love to meet me?!

You are hot, amazing and cool!

You have everything: love, money and luck...but no time. You have little time…It’s good to know that you steal from the little time that you have to be there. Thank you!

 

 

Date:   Wednesday,  26 August 1998    04:07am,  Subject: Re: “Hello3“ 

........just got in. I can only respond to such a beautiful message with silence.
Leave me your telephone number if you want… and can.

 

 

Dialog 1  *work colleague* Wednesday,  26 August 1998    10:20am

- Hello future singer! I was dying for a coffee break! You’re in a good mood… Did you get some good news that I don’t know about, sweetie?...

- Stop calling me singer! What a habit! You think I look like a singer and now I have to deal with it. No... nothing new, I’m just intrigued with something...

- Really? What?

- A friend of mine recently started corresponding with a singer whose concert you actually attended a few months ago...

- Seriously?!! And he replies to emails?! People like that, singers, reply to fans?! I’m going to write to him and see if he answers me too! Although part of me thinks it’s stupid to waste time with those types of people! They don’t have time for anything!

- But he replies...

- And, do you have anything interesting to tell me about? Like sex?

- No.

- Nothing spicy to tell me about?! Those types: “artists” are famous for being flirty… You know how it is: “Sex, Rock and Drugs”! So, what’s going on between the two of them?

- No. Absolutely nothing. Come and check out these emails, quickly. She’d like to hear a stranger’s opinion. She trusts me to find that stranger... I told her that you were brutally objective in these types of things, that you were naughty and that you uncover these schemes quickly…

- There is nothing between them...for now! But, there will be! I find it hard that he wouldn’t want to take a bite out of her after empathizing with her like he did! Maybe it’s not even necessary for him to empathize with her…it’s enough for her to have a nice body or for him to have a healthy appetite. Ok, when the time comes, you can give me all the details about the sex between them. Try to get the details from your friend! Having sex with someone famous does not happen every day! Show me those emails!

- I printed out the emails that she forwarded me. Do you think we have time?

- If we don’t have time, we’ll make it. Let me see the emails…

- (...)So? What did you think you hot naughty thing?

- Sweet future singer...His first reply, in my opinion, indicates that above all he is a seductive person. It looks like he’s fishing...and he wants sex… I don’t trust this guy. She needs to be careful. He’s being too accessible. She may even think that her simplicity captivated him, but be careful…Aside from the sex he may not want anything else. I wouldn’t waste time with this guy. How old is your friend?...

 - The same age as us...

-  There is a pureness in her emotions that surprises him. You can see this in his replies. But, investing in him is a waste of time. He seems to be the type that lives simply of emotion and for emotion.

- What do you mean? What emotion?

- Let me see if I can explain better...She has something and he doesn’t know exactly what it is. If she had simply appeared out of nowhere offering him sex, I think he would have been equally as interested and seductive. I don’t know. He seems like the type that gets interested easily and just as easily sends the chicks on their way!

- Do you really think?!

-Of course! He’s a man! He’s a singer! Music! Sex! Excitement!
She needs to be careful. He seduces and then probably abuses of the trust deposited in him. Her idol…everything he does and says will easily impress her. He knows this and will probably want to take advantage of the situation: easy sex. Men! You know how it is: sex is not love. It’s simply a craving.

- Maybe you’re right…

- Tell her to trust what I’m saying! He’s going to take advantage and then send her on her way...Throw her in the trash! You can imagine the type, can’t you?  Inconsequent in his words, simply seductive...Nothing concrete. No love actions, just captivating words. If I were her, I would take advantage of the situation to meet him personally...It would be a different experience…but…I don’t know. Tell her to jump out of this runaway train…not to write too many emails. It’s not worth it. A waste of time! This situation only matters if the two parties involved intend to use one another. Otherwise, she should just get out the situation while she can.

- Don’t you think your judgments are a little precipitated? Those are the kinds of things that people usually think about artists, right?

- You think I’m exaggerating?! I think that reality would be even more exaggerated! I wouldn’t be surprised if after every concert he has a guy from the crew bringing him potential fans that he would “love” to meet…to his dressing room! I’ve heard some stories... I don’t know if they’re true, but as the proverb says: “Where there are flames, there is a fire!”

- You think?!

-These types, artists, and not only, although seemingly fantastic in the interviews they give can be simply, and solely, a product, an image constructed to impinge upon the public.

- You think?!…

- Since my divorce I’ve been into meeting interesting men and they’ve all been a bunch of shits! Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly against this singer. Tell her not to waste time on him. It’s going to be a waste of her time, I’m certain of it!

- You’re feelings are usually right on. Let’s wait and see how this story evolves...

- Sometimes love can be difficult...If you’re in love with a son-of-a-bitch then things can get infernal! I’m not saying that he is, but I’m sure he’s got a whole lot of temptations that he might not be able to resist. Maybe he likes going around. Tell her to watch out!

- Come on, let’s get back to work. We’re already late! Coffee break is over.

- I have something funny to tell you regarding this singer!...Do you want to hear it? I’ll keep it short. A sister of a friend of mine has a house from which you can see his summer residence. He bought it a few years back. Do you and your friend want to stop by for a visit? It’s my invitation!

- And the singer? Will we see him?

- Well, for the house to have more privacy it’s surrounded by tall shrubs and trees.

- So, what can we see?

- Well...you can see some grass.

- You’re kidding me, right?!

- No, I’m not kidding! We can go undercover. We can watch the house and see who goes in and out of the main gates. We just have to sit there with binoculars and be patient!

- You want me to get binoculars to look at grass just because this guy is a singer and relatively well known?! Don’t even think about it! My dad’s land has got plenty of grass for me to look at! Without binoculars!

- Your friend might want to go and spy on him…She could see what the house is like…if there’s a lot of traffic going in and out…if there are any female visitors. When one is riding the wave of fame one has a lot of VIP friends. Honestly, you can’t see much. Those tall hedges are a pain, but you never know! You guys could stop by! It would be fun!

- Grass!...OK! What if we take a couple of rabbits with us? We can infiltrate them in the garden. They could hop around all happy-like with tons of grass to munch on!

- A couple of rabbits for what?

- It would go something like this: the singer’s grassy garden, the rabbits hoping here and there and his look of awe and wonder while thinking, “Where did all these bunnies come from?

- How many bunnies? I thought you said it was just a couple.

- Yes, but in the meantime they procreated! Then, we would go knock on the door (both of us) and explain that your bunnies had run away to that huge grassy garden and that all of those bunnies now living in his backyard belonged to us!

- Really? And then?

- And then, he would invite us to come inside and curious as he is, he would want to know more about it and we’d end up in an orgy! The three of us! What do you think?

- Sometimes you say the craziest things! Orgy?! You’re a saint! You wouldn’t get involved in those things, sweetie! 

- Do you think he could keep up with the both of us?

- You know what? You would actually be a good match for him. You’re both nuts! You’d love each other! Your friend would also be an amusing addition to the orgy…all that saintly innocence! You act like you’re all daring, but you’re really a chicken!... 

- Let’s get back to work, hot stuff.

- Let’s!   

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  29 August 1998    11:59am,  Subject: “Time“ 

Hello!

Do you know you always seemed familiar to me? I don’t know for how long...

It could be reincarnation, or we could also have been placed in this world with a predefined program and as we get closer to these “programmed happenings”, it almost seems like we already knew about them. There are those who have had the same sensations in places they’ve visited for the first time. These places seem familiar to them.

Actually, the fact that we deny anything doesn’t mean that it does not exist

In regards to my telephone number...

Replying to each email that I send is, for me, a very good thing. It is my desire to meet you personally, but let me continue to write on Saturdays for a little longer. Writing is easier. Words flow with pleasure. I like it. I like your messages.

Can you give me more time?            

 

 

Date:   Sunday,  30 August 1998    03:07pm,  Subject: Re: “Time“ 

Your last message was fascinating. I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation because the actual concept of the soul is strange to me. Still, I believe in intuition, in the empathy that is found when playing with words. In intelligence. I love your writing. Time? All the time you want. Write.

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  05 September 1998    10:14am,  Subject: “Waiting for the bed to catch my fall”

Hi!

I’m sick. I’ve been sick since the day before yesterday.

You’re far from me, so you are not in danger of catching this flu.

My kitten is around. She’s tempted to crawl over the keyboard.

I found her on a very rainy day, an early morning, she meowed a lot, abandoned, peeking from under my car which was parked on the street. She was really small.

I’m going to put her in the garden, amongst the flowers and the soft rays of sunshine.

My head is heavy...My head got fat from the flu...I’m going to fall...My heavy head forces me back…I fall! The bed caught my fall! Feels good!

Everything is near: the bed and the computer. In fact, my chair is my bed for this is where I sit to write on the computer!

I don’t know if I’ll get out of bed today…

I’m going to sleep. Ciao...How about one day, you and I, chat online?

 

 

Date: Sunday,  06 September 1998    01:59pm,  Subject: Re: “Waiting for the bed catch my fall”

Sorry to hear you are sick, but it’s good to know your in good spirits. Chat? Sure... one of these days... A kiss. All the best.

 

 

Dialog 2 *work colleague* Monday,  07 September 1998    10:20am

- Hello future famous singer! You’re a little sick today, right?

- I’ve take a bunch of anti-flu pills but this flu just doesn’t seem to want to go away…

- You look like a famous singer with the flu! I feel like calling you a singer! Any new news? From your friend? Has she spoken with him on the phone yet?

- She’s a little shy in the beginning...I think she needs to give it more time.

- What the hell...What does she expect from that type of guy?!

- She’s different, or thinks she is, or feels she is, or she’s nuts! I don’t know!

- Yeah, Yeah...Now shut up about her and tell me more about him!

- I think she thinks he’s different. Do you want a little bit of this in your coffee?

- That’s grass!!! Does it have to do with our conversation the other day? In fact, from the window of my friend’s house you can see the singer’s house and the grass that surrounds it…When will you two accept my invitation to go spy on him with a good pair of binoculars? In regards to our last conversation...have you bought a couple of rabbits yet?

- I bought a stuffed bunny. Here, it’s yours!

- Aw! For me ?! Look, he’s so cute! Thank you! You’re a sweetheart! Very cute! Now, back to your friend... Did you get to see any more emails of theirs?

- Actually, I did! She sent them to me to read...

- Can I see?

- Here, you can read them! I asked her for them. She doesn’t mind you reading them also. She considers a friend of mine to be a friend of hers.

- (…) She prefers chat to the phone?! He wants to talk to her on the phone but respects her timidity. He finds her amusing. I should get involved! I’m made of steel! It would be sex and that would be that!... She’s getting deluded with this guy. There’s nothing special about him. He’s got a way with words...that’s all. She’s being naive. He’s leading her on and she’s liking it...This is going to turn out bad for her. She’s going to be let down...hard. I feel sorry for her.  I hope she’s able to get some benefit out of this situation with him in case things turn out bad…

- Take care of the stuffed bunny that I gave you, sweetie! Break is over! Let’s get back to work.

- Hello little bunny! Have you got some angel wings like my little friend here and the friend of my little friend? I don’t think so! You’re like me: a naughty devil!

 

 

Date:   Monday,  07 September 1998    10:06pm,  Subject: “ Online Chat”

Hi! Thanks for wishing me a quick recovery...

The quick illusion that I had made a speedy recovery caused me to allow my foolish attitude to be my motorist. Yesterday, Sunday, she led me to the beach. At night, I insulted her.

To my disappointment, I don’t believe that the insults I dealt will stop her from appearing to me. My foolish attitude doesn’t get offended rapidly. I had a relapse. I’m worse. The worst doesn’t always last forever. I think I’ll be better by Wednesday.

See you soon! One of these days...on an online chat...when you can.

A big hug! 

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  12 September 1998    00:07 am,  Subject: “Waking up in Thought”

(poem)

"Today....Today all factors were joined, Today all conditions were met, Today all the dark colors will be used to call the darkness, Today all the red colors hurt, Today the night will bring nightmares that make the heart beat, The dreamer will beat himself to run far away from this night, The terror...The terror will be such that thoughts will not feel, Only the reactions will think, The reactions will show their thoughts through the body, Tense and involuntary expressions, For such, A short story suffices, The story title “Waking up in Thought”, Here it is, I went to where I did not want to go. I did not foresee this. I know that many go there. Others do not. The blood transports the necessary help. It would be impossible any other way. I deleted myself. I cannot feel any pain nor do I know I exist. They put me under general anesthesia. The knife cuts the body while the blood follows in the trajectory of the previous day. If it does not follow the same trajectory tomorrow, it is because I died. The stoppage of the blood would stop the monotony of its trajectories and my monotony in search of new ones. The day will come when I will not know desires and will fly only in my ashes. A voice calls out my name. I woke up in thought. I do not recognize the voice. It does not stop calling me. I have to get out of this tunnel! But who is calling for me?! Who is it?! And I? Who am I?I am only thought. I see everything dark. Where are my eyes? The voice does not stop calling me “Wake up! Wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up!!” Torture is not this absence, but rather this voice which requires my presence in the body! It does not shut up! Doesn’t it know that I don’t obey it because my body doesn’t obey me? Stop calling for me! You’re torturing me! I cannot move! I cannot move any part of my body! Nor open my eyes! Nor move my fingers! Nor make any sign! I’m being buried alive! My God, what distress! The voice continues to call... The body must obey me! I have to activate my muscles! I have to be able to open my eyes! Everything is dark…Where am I?! My God, I’m so disoriented! The body is reacting! I’m going to open my eyes...now... Yes! I did it! “Is the surgery over?” I asked. The cutters are now at peace. I became one of them again: I awoke the body. Otherwise I would be different and they would not want me. I would be in the morgue. What dread!"

Did you like this genre of writing? This type of terror?

I know! I don’t scare anyone!   A hug.

 

 

Date: Saturday,  19 September 1998    11:41am,  Subject: “Surrounding Tall Mountains”

It’s an incredibly rainy Saturday!

Try to imagine me as a ghostly spirit and you will understand this romantic style of mine. Title: Surrounding Tall Mountains.

"Foggy day. Rain. Without a nearby shelter, you run. You do not see the sky, nor the stars, nor the ocean. You do not see the sun nor is it a clear night.

You kept running. Your breathlessness does not permit you to speak. If I were to get closer and put my hands on your chest to calm you, I would feel all your efforts. If I uncovered my chest... If I got close to your chest... If  you were to bend so that your face were touching mine…and I could feel the warm dragon air that your breathing is …I feel your heart beat at a rigorous rhythm, sensuality, the fire of your chest… I keep my ear close to your heart. I hear you.

If I touch your skin I will feel the rain that touched you before me…Your skin is warm.

Rain! Mud! Leaves and remains of flowers! I take off my warm clothes that protect me. I want to be soaked by the rain, just like you are now.

Being together, the sensation of warm skin, sleeping, entwined.

Feeling myself embraced by strong emotions that crush me but that I enjoy…"

 

 

Date:   Sunday,  20 September 1998    07:19pm,  Subject: Re: Surrounding Tall Mountains”

Your words surprise me. Really. If it is possible to know someone solely through the words they write, I know you although I am still full of mysteries which emanate from your sentences, a kiss

 

 

Dialog 3 *work colleague*  Monday,  21 September 1998    10:20am

- Hi famous! Another Monday! Another coffee break! You know, I had a shitty weekend!

- Shitty good or shitty shitty?

- My angel, it was a piece of shit! I’ve known him for 2 weeks. This morning, before coming to work, I left him a message on his cell phone saying it was all over! I’ve had enough!

- But what happened that was so perturbing that you had to call it off? Why are you so  upset?

- Do I seem upset?! Well...he started to piss me off!!

- Really?! You usually have nerves of steel!

- Yeah! Usually! But this time I felt like losing my cool! When I showed up dressed in pink he implied that red would like me better...So, I wore red! I was going to please him. I’m not even usually like that, but I felt like it! I came to the conclusion that the guy is an idiot! Look, yesterday he suggested violet! I didn’t even care to know what color he was going to suggest the following day! He was playing with my face! The little violet boy! I sent him to hell! He’s too sure of himself! If I say anything about him, he swears that he looks good all the same! Everything about him, and about his head, is a question of attitude! He’s always been above the criticisms that come from mere mortals! He’s kind of like an artist. That’s it! Artists, for me: over!

- He’s an artist?

- Yes... He paints, writes…in his free time. I can already see the kind of guy he is: wants to be alone, then wants to be with me, then wants to be with another one, then doesn’t know who he wants to be with, nor what he wants! Whatever! The artistic type! Tell your friend about this, so she can learn! Tell her not to get into artists! They’re all the same! I hate little Mr. Violet! I hate his guts!

- Relax. You just got unlucky....

- Today, not even the coffee tastes good!

- Forget about it. When he calls you, the next coffee will taste like chocolate!

- I just don’t want to deal with these types of stupidities! Soon I’ll meet another and forget about this guy!

- I like that attitude! The rebel that I’ve always known is back! I wasn’t recognizing you, my friend. I don’t like to see you upset.

- I told you I’m extremely calm! Well, at least I’m having fun. I go on living life, unlike you. When are you going to find someone?

- I don’t want anyone right now…

- But wouldn’t you like to have company when you go out on the weekends...some kisses and some…etc.? Don’t spend too much time without anyone or else you’re gonna get yourself into trouble like your friend with the singer…

- There needs to be interpenetration...

- What...?! Interpenetration? Penetration is not enough?! An interpenetration?! What is that?! Explain yourself! Look...you made me choke on my coffee! You shock me!

- Every time I say something that shocks you, you choke on your coffee and spray it all over me! You’re lucky I’m dressed in black! You spattered me with coffee! I’m all spattered! Can you imagine if I were wearing a white shirt? Try not to get so shocked with me, hot stuff! Do you want me to pat you on the back to help with your choking?

- Of course penetration is convenient...but be careful with the terms you use around here. The walls have ears and the people around here are always snooping in on their neighbor’s conversations. They pretend like they’re having breakfast when in reality they’re snooping in on the conversations of others...

- I was speaking in a figurative sense: He penetrates, but his soul is also penetrated… There you go again! You spattered coffee on me again! Why don’t you drink your coffee in one big gulp, as if it were water. You take little sips, then you get surprised by me and choke! Your head’s not on straight!

- You’re worse than I am! And, you make me laugh!... Alright...Interpenetration: He penetrates her thing and she penetrates his thing called soul…Very well!

- What I’m trying to say is...Look...I give up!...I don’t know how to explain! I’m going to offer you a violet colored coffee cup so you can drink your coffee faster!

- Hold on a sec! We still have time. I get where you’re going: That he and I have merely a sexual relationship – no emotional ties, right? Lacking the so called interpenetration!

- I like you a lot, you know that, right? One of these days I’m going to offer you a mug painted by me…

- You paint?! Please, don’t talk to me about paintings because it makes me think

of the other loser!

- The violet loser! Sometimes I paint canvases...Abstract paintings. Sometimes I paint some mugs, plates, cups...I would write the following on your mug: “That you may find a man who will want you in any color, day or night, an all states of mind, with any color hair or lipstick!” Wait, that’s not enough. Oh! I know...”And that will want you naked all the time!”

- You’ve really made a change for the better! I’ve got news for you... I might leave this all behind and go work in Australia for a while.

- What?! When did you decide this?! I thought I would see you here every day of my life…You’re leaving?! 

- My brother’s has his own business there. He owns a restaurant that serves mainly Portuguese food. He’s got some exotic foods on the menu also. I’m going to start the paperwork one of these days. I’m going to see if I get the courage to leave the country.  I’ll probably move there sometime within the next two years. I’ll ask for leave without pay and go. I’m tired of everything. I have to change my environment!

- I want you to stay here…

- I think I might go. One day you can do the same! You don’t belong here. One day you’ll do the same! You’ll live in a foreign country! By the way, there’s another thing I want to tell you...

- What is it?

- You can’t trick me! You and your “email friend” are the same person!

- Why do you say that?…

- Don’t be embarrassed! I wasn’t certain, but now I’ve got you! Relax, you don’t need to tell me anything. What I want for you is the same thing that I want for me: the right guy and that one day we both find happiness. If I were a man I would show you some nasty stuff!  To start with, next to me you’d never be in your underwear…

- Yeah...Yeah... Take me now! Oh yes! Oh!! Ok, enough chatting, let’s get back

to work!

- Yes, and I would take away your desire to work. You would only want that!

Oh, yeah!

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  26 September 1998    03:30pm,  Subject: “Unveiling”

Hello! 

Online chat? When?

I will try to unveil, if possible, my own mystery, personally although I cannot see the mystery in me, but if it exists, great! J

You know, I’m going to submit myself to hypnosis therapy in Brazil. (Don’t tell anyone, ok? It’s a secret.) I’ve been curious about this for a while. I want to see what this can do for me. I also want to take some days off because it’s been a long time since I’ve been out of the country and I also haven’t had a true vacation in a long time. Lately, vacation has simply been not going to work. Money is rationed. I will stay, as usual, in cheap one (or no star) hotels, but I don’t mind.

Maybe I can relax a bit. I’m always running around non-stop. Like a hurricane!...I’m going to have to ask for some days off.  A hug

 

 

Date:   Thursday,  1 October 1998    01:55pm,  Subject:    Re: “Unveiling”

A kiss. A hug. I’ll search for you in a chat.

 

 

Date: Saturday,  03 October 1998    03:52pm,  Subject: “Appear to me...  ”

Hi! For the past week I’ve been contacted, in a greater number of times by chat. I always imagine that it might be you, in disguise...but immediately in the first few sentences I come to the conclusion that it’s not you.

My God, they cracked me up! I couldn’t deal with the same questions over and over again: how long was my hair, how big were my breasts, height, profession.

Appear!.. I’m in agony!... Appear and speak to me, otherwise I will run away!

 

 

Date:   Sunday,  04 October 1998    04:12pm,  Subject: Re: “Appear to me  “

…the pain, the distance…

 

 

Date: Sunday,  11 October 1998    06:14pm,  Subject: “Your eyes in mine ”

I left my computer 24 hours ago. I went to the pool in the morning. Now I’m going to close my eyes and write…

At night I transformed into a shadow, Let the light of the night enter your room, She will reflect the light which will allow you to see me, I will move, slowly through your house, So that your eyes can follow me, I am with you, You observe me, You hold me in your arms, We spin around seemingly insane and drunk, We don’t want to instruct our feelings, We know that the insipid have their pleasures, And we, ours…Our feelings…Are unstoppable! We stop turning because we fall, In our fall your arms continue to embrace me, In our fall I keep my face next to yours, I feel the gravitational force of your body on mine, You hook me with your words, But everything seems to continue to spin...Nothing stops...Everything spins... Keep your eyes focused on me, So that everything can stop…

 

 

Date: Saturday,  17 October 1998    09:42am,  Subject: “Fragments”

My texts… are fragments. Writing is not a habit for me, but for you it began to be one. It’s a way of getting close to you... 

You know, one day I “made” a woman fall for me. I wrote her because the guy who had fallen for her asked me to. This happened on a bus trip. I saw he was very desperate and shy and so I asked if he needed help. When my friend finally revealed that he was the true author of the anonymous love letters that had been delivered to her by strangers throughout the bus trip, she was not convinced! It couldn’t have been! It must have been another! But who?! 

(poem)

"Take these fragments and with them make a mirror, That will reflect the images that live, Live in pieces of life, Fragment One! The corrupt should be incontinent, So that their bad odor could be detected, Magniloquence should not be rare, Magniloquent wizards should thrive in abundance, Be considerably great wizards that make all woes disappear, Those that wear ties, Should engrave in their style, The possibility of another! Fragment Two! Are you happy? If you want to howl would you have company? Have you shoulders to rest on for a short instant? Do you think it would be reassuring to know where the end is? So that you can go there? Do you want to forget everything? Do you want to remember but find it difficult to remember the beginning? Why are our footsteps erased? Why this torture? Why not pop soap bubbles?! Time goes on any way! Why don’t we say goodbye to time? Should we bless the time that is to come? Do we know where time came from? Why all these questions? Is it possible that the moment of our conception was questioned? Did it have to be that moment? Should these questions be questioned, affirmed or buried? Fragment Three! I broke into pieces, Torturing me will not bring new states of pain, Grab my long hair, Drag me on the floor! This will not bother me! I will continue to think about who I am thinking of, Nothing will be diminished, Torture me until I become confused and lost, Torture me until I cannot recognize when and where I am! I will not say anything, About myself Nor about whom I am thinking, I call for you! Call me back to this world! I drew a path with the nails of my pain, I have hope that you can find me, Find me! Ugly is the beauty that comes from the pain, Ugly is this poem, The thousands of joys, Are quickly forgotten in one single pain, Pain dances in joy in front of me, It is alive! This is the joy of the pain, Of being alive! You are the pain which I cannot forget, Where are you my love?"

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  24 October 1998    00:00am,  Subject: “Midnight”

It’s midnight and I don’t know what phase the moon is in. I can’t see it. 

The human body is composed mainly of water and it is said that just like the moon affects the ocean, so does it affect human beings. Observe the changes in your spirit in the different phases of the moon and let me know if there is some connection.

There is the belief that magic should be performed during the full moon.

I understand the true dimension of your job, just as I imagine the effort that you must make to personally reply to all your emails. There’s always a show and a trip to that show’s location…you don’t have time. Or am I exaggerating?

You know...sometimes I miss being a little girl. I used to have the habit of concentrating on adult facial expressions and would laugh out-of-control because of them…The way their facial muscles would move…I would observe them in such a way that one particular muscle movement would seem to be exaggerated. I used to do this many times particularly when they would be yelling at me about something.

I would end up getting hit because they thought I was laughing at their reproaches. In those moments I would just laugh out of control and it became difficult for them to hurt me physically. I couldn’t stop laughing, so they would just hit me more intensely.

I hope your job is going well, just as I hope you are doing well. If you should need any help, let me know. I’ll tell my guardian angel to leave me in order to temporarily help you!

I can imagine you right now: “Angels!?”

You don’t believe in them, right? You’re an atheist!

 

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