Chapter 4

P2Romance

 

Date: Sunday,  20 December 1998    00:59am,  Subject: “Tigers”

Hi, Tiger! (I’m speaking with a Brazilian accent, can you tell?)

Write to me...I’m waiting, Tiger! I’ve been waiting for so long...

You are so mean to me that you deserve a problem.

You can’t stop to think for too long, ok Tiger? Try to draw an eight with your left foot and a three with your right hand or vice-versa, simultaneously.

Did you try? Did you like it, Tiger?

I’m blinking my eyes faster than Christmas lights...in the darkness...I can see the Christmas lights flashing...happily! So colorful!

Tiger! When you can, put your claws on that keyboard and write to me…I’m a Panther with green eyes…I’m watching you. Observing deeply.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

Date:   Saturday,  26  December 1998    00:03am,   Subject: Re: “Tigers”

I loved it, tigress... A kiss

 

 

Date: Sunday,  27  December 1998,  03:23am,  Subject: “Mails”

Hi!

(poem)

"I cannot say that I feel like an encaged feline, Forced to walk near the bars of my prison, I cannot say that I feel like a bird with an injured wing, Forced to walk on the earth, What can I say? I am immobilized, Not able to walk near anything. Somewhere I read…If you know where you’re going, The crowd will back away to let you pass, The typical crowd pushes me in all directions, I don’t know where they’re taking me, Am I condemned to be chained to them? Is there no escape for me? What´s the way out from here? Giving up on living would bring no relief, I never had little, I never had a lot, Therefore everything was tepid, Death would be something tepid… Am I here? No, I am nowhere, And when I am, I suffer from paleness, I’m not lucky enough to know how to compose songs, Feelings going through me, Feelings looking to find, Others with the same identity card as mine… My feelings feel alone, They search but return alone, They accuse me of being guilty for their loneliness, They hold me in the air and like vengeance, Let me fall from a high altitude, I’m not well...Ouch! It hurts!" (end)

You created a space (your email) for me to invade and that’s what I did (HELLO! ).

You received me so well that just because of that I want to give you a big kiss, right now. I repeat what I told you before: I believe I’ve met you before, in another time. I believe this and I don’t know how to explain it.

When a scientist is a good scientist, he knows that he cannot negate the existence of that which he cannot explain and that the reasonable thing to do is to say that he is confronted with an issue which is inconclusive and which cannot be explained due to current rudimentary technical means.

Yes...I’ve always had the feeling that I’ve met you in another reincarnation, or maybe it’s not a feeling from the past (reincarnation), but from the future! Could it be that you will be influential and important in my making a crucial decision which will affect my entire future? Could it be?

The other day I was watching television and I decided (I don’t know why) to change the channel and there you were. You were giving a short interview about a possible part in a movie, but the main topic of the interview was your new video!

My mother walked into the living room and saw a little bit of the video. She said that the actress seemed happier than you…probably because she had more clothes on and you looked like you were cold!

Because I was smiling my mother said in a serious tone, “Artists have a difficult life! What do you think? Sometimes they have to swim in rivers…in the winter…in the snow if the director asks them to! They have to do everything they are told!”

Nobody has an easy life. We are all the same. If he have more of one thing, we have less of another. It’s the law of equilibrium. What do you get from being an artist? More fame? More money? More love? In return you have less of what?

I have never asked you personal questions because I know you would not reveal anything and possibly causing you to withdraw from me.  A hug

 

 

Dialog 5    *work colleague* Monday,  28 December 1998    07:40pm

- Hello famous! Sorry I’m late...

- I don’t want any explanation for your lateness...you’re going to make something up!

- Ok, my perfect angel! Come shopping with me, I need to buy a few things we’ll take my car.

- It’s going to be too late to go out to dinner, should we just have dinner at the

mall?

- And miss having a real meal?

- You’re full of it!... Real food does not make you more real!

- The little angel has got her wings out today! You’ve got lipstick on! It looks good on you. Ok then, we’ll go to the mall! There are a lot of Christmas decorations out now... lots of little angels!!... The mall is going to be packed! Now, about the singer, did you bring me your latest emails?

- I’m such a little angel that I brought the emails! Should we sit and eat first? We can go shopping after, don’t you think?

- Ok! Let’s eat!

- (…) So? What do you have to say about our emails? You’ve been looking at them for the past 30 minutes.

- I maintain what I said before: I think you’re a good writer! I don’t have experience in the writing area, but I like what I’m reading. It’s different. In truth, you seem to be different people. It’s unbelievable how we think we know someone when in reality we don’t! You don’t usually reveal this side of yourself on a day-to-day basis. I know you are sensitive, but you don’t reveal your true “you” and that’s why I think I’m so surprised by your texts.

- It is an evil common amongst many mortals: the lives that each one of us has, the way in which we hide from one another…without knowing that it’s a shame not to reveal ourselves. It’s possible that most of us don’t even want to hide because this causes suffering; not being able to show our true selves. We all have a poetic soul...

- I have a poetic soul, just like you, but I have a poetic bitchy soul, honey! What are you thinking of doing with all these texts you sent him if things with him don’t work out? Are you thinking about turning them into a book?

- I don’t have a lot of text yet... A book about what?! What would the storyline be?

- Personally, I don’t know. Maybe a book of poems.

- A book of poems? I don’t know. When I like an idea I don’t waste any time thinking about the pros and cons. The idea starts to grow immediately in my mind, and becomes as big as skyscrapers! Especially if it’s an idea or a project that I vibrate with! I feel confident and get a vision of how to materialize it. In this case...a book of poems? Hum... I didn’t feel my heart skipping a beat when I heard the idea. I don’t think it’ll come to fruition. Now, an auto-biography...who knows if my life won’t turn out super bizarre and end up a good story? Writing a book! It would have to be something brilliant…This story with him is not brilliant yet…

- The thing between his legs is not a shiny one …unless he uses florescent condoms! This Little Angel wants the thing to shine! If it were a book, it would have to be something brilliant, she says! Well…I think it’s a shame that the texts be lost and forgotten. I’ll tell you something else, too: He doesn’t deserve your literary qualities. What he wants is sex! When are you going to understand that what I’m telling you is true? This thing with the emails is just for him to remain intrigued, fascinated to the point of envying you. You’re more talented than he is. He writes some of his songs, and he’s good at it, but you’re better!

- You think I’m more talented?

- Yes. My dear, find someone to love you. The best thing is to love and be loved. This internet thing with this singer...if you want me to be honest, eventually he’s going to start to think you’re obsessed with him. If I were to write to a guy like this I would simply say, “My name is X. I’m Y years old. I live in K. I study T. I’m good in bed and would like to get to know you better.” Don’t believe a word he writes or a word he comes to write. A few seconds after he replies to you, he’s replying to another girl who sent him an email. He seems to have his head in check, he seems to know what he wants: sex, power, adoration and music! His life must be real complicated to manage: women without end, always attending social events he’s invited to… Is this the kind of guy you’re interested in?

- I’m lost... I’ve always been and I get worse every day.

- Look... everyone feels pain! You’ve got to be strong! When I got married, you may not believe this, but I was a virgin. My ex-husband turned out to be a major son-of-a-bitch. He was extremely aggressive, both physically and mentally. I got divorced and maybe as revenge or to get back at him, I have no problem sleeping with whomever I want (even only for one night) whether I’m interested in the guy or not. I don’t care if he wants to get to know me better after the sex, or he just leaves. Sometimes I get depressed, but life is like this: full of pain. I just hope to be able to change my life. I want to go to Australia. Money also disappears. My life is chaotic. If you were to see my house... it’s such a mess! You should get out of the house more, get some boyfriends. You isolate yourself too much. From what you told me, the boyfriends you did have, years ago, weren’t worth much, right my little angel? This singer is going to be another shit…and maybe, like the others, he’s going to try to belittle you by undermining your self-confidence. Always the Angel... unable to see through the schemes of these parasites…  only when you’re hung by the neck do you start to feel suffocated.

- My first boyfriend was always bothered by the fact that I felt intimidated and quiet in front of people. I was never the type to make small talk and so one day he said, “You should try to integrate yourself more in the group, even if you don’t know anyone or identify with anyone… What’s the big deal in saying something? Did you see how Maria, John’s girlfriend, who didn’t know most of the people at dinner, acted? She didn’t retreat into herself!” It’s true, she did talk. She also made small talk with everyone. Do you know what her topic of conversation was?

- No....

- Listen sweetie, she was able to talk for almost an hour about how she preferred having the fried chicken than the lamb that was on the dinner menu...And me?! I might have been an intelligent, understanding person who supported him during the five long months of unemployment he went through, but he didn’t value that. He had a degree, but it was hard finding a job that he liked. He never praised or thanked me for supporting him and then he had the gall to tell me in an emphatic tone of voice that Maria was a good example for me!! Her and her fried chicken!!... 

- It is a funny situation…

- After he told me that I should just make small talk, that it was easy, he added, “It’s simple! As simple as water!” I answered, “No, no it’s not...” He jokingly said, “No?! Look Coke is much more complicated. Besides water, it’s got lots of other ingredients.” So, I asked him, “If water is so simple, how come you’ve never seen anyone make water?! It would end hunger and droughts all over the world!...”

- Yes...in fact, no one can make water in a laboratory, I think.

- I knew that I would never be the way he wanted me to and he knew that too. Some of his comments about me were simply just systematic. Many, he didn’t even verbalize. He was not very sincere or direct, but I was intuitive. One day I asked him, “Don’t you think we’re different? Don’t you think that these differences aren’t good for you or me? Don’t you think you should find someone more similar to you? Don’t you think I’m too complex for your simplicity?” A few months later, we ended it. My breakups are always pacific. I don’t usually fight and I don’t even know that it’s really over. He had gotten another job and was going to move to another city. Everything goes with time; everything goes with the days that go by; everything goes with distance. We started to grow apart. It seems to be a pattern in my life. Then, they show up one day out of nowhere wanting to know about me, but I’ve already closed myself off.

- I like that sentence! I’m going to use it the next time I want to break up with someone, “Sweetie, I’m too complex for your simplicity!” I like it! I think you give too much importance to sentimental relationships. You suffer a lot and for a long time during and afterwards! Don’t be like that! Try to take things on a lighter note! Let things flow. Go with the flow! Don’t try to force things to happen! People will either be a match or not! If the relationship doesn’t work out, don’t suffer because of it! Life will provide other opportunities to be happy! We should always live for the present and the future which will be full of hope and good things!

- You know, I had another boyfriend. Things were much worse with him and there was no love. I had been alone for a while and (I thought) it’s always good to have someone at your side and so I let myself be dragged into a relationship that I already sensed as being a shitty one.

- My little angel, letting herself be dragged into a situation that she sensed was really fucked up!...

- After some time I saw that the guy was definitely not right in the head. He would follow me! He would follow around in his car to see if I had another boyfriend. He would call me endlessly to see if I was at home. His last girlfriend had been unfaithful to him and now I had to deal with this clown following me around! If I happened to be five minutes late meeting him, he would make insinuations like: “Who were you with that you’re late meeting me?!” Meanwhile, here’s the funny part, most of his friends were women!!! He even got his hair trimmed at the hairdresser and not the barber! He said that he thought it was common amongst men. He also said that he had already dated four girls at the same time!!! So, why was he so traumatized about the girl that had cheated on him?!

- I think he was suspicious because he himself was a cheater!

- I was increasingly amused by his attitudes! Do you want an example? One time, I was in the car with him, he was driving, and we passed a house that had a For Sale sign in front of it that had the realtor’s phone number. After a few minutes he said in a bossy and demanding tone, “Let’s see how intelligent you are. What was the phone number that was on that For Sale sign?”

- What an idiot! Why do you put up with idiots?! You have the patience of a saint!

- I decided to go for a degree in computing because of this guy. It was right at the beginning of the computer craze and I didn’t know much about computers, so I asked him. He almost put my head through the computer screen. He grabbed me by the neck with the intention of forcing me towards the monitor. He was angry about something that had happened to him at work. I was in shock and just stared at him. Then I said very calmly, “That was the first and last time you do something to try to attack me because if you dare try to attack me again, you’ll end up in the hospital, or worse. All that needs to happen is for me to lose my wits.” Do you know what he gave me before he exited my life permanently?

- What, sweetie?

- A big box of cherries! Maybe 10 kilos of them! I didn’t want them, but he

insisted.

- Cherries?!

- Yes! As I told you before, I was never able to have dramatic fights and arguments! Everything was very pacific and bizarre. He insisted on giving me a box with almost 10 kilos of cherries because he knew I liked them! When my mother found out, she didn’t let me eat them! She said that they could be poisoned! I ate them and got an enormous stomach ache!

- Did he put some chemical product in them to give you a stomach ache?!

- No, honey. I just ate a lot of them at one time! I love cherries! Sometimes life is an unhappy joke.

- Losing time with crazy people over crazy things only brings bad luck...

- One day life is going to change for the both of us! Things are going to get much better! We’re going to live a marvelous dream! It’s going to be fantastic! Don’t you think?

- I hope so, but unfortunately, you need to fight for those fantastic things. It’s not enough to wish for them and wait for them to happen, right my angel? You’ve got to be careful with yourself. You get involved in the strangest situations. You only attrack loonies! I may be loony, but I’m a good person. Your ex-boyfriends, this singer, they’re all loonies that only bring bad things, despair and ruin self-esteem. One day you’ll be a singer and a famous writer! You will live a dream life and say goodbye to the crazy shitty situations that followed you around!

- An artist’s life is unstable and when they are able to get some fame, the instability continues: famous today, nobody tomorrow. Fame is like a firework: it appears, makes a loud noise, everybody looks at the successful artist that shines brightly in the sky and then the superstar goes out in the night and the only thing left to look at is the empty sky. Everyone turns their backs and returns to their lives.

- It´s not so bad at all! The fans are super glued followers forever! I'll be your top fan number 1! I would love for you to be famous! I would love to have a super famous friend! Next time you write to the famous singer, tell him something like, “Sweet kisses on your sweet thing!” He’s going to love it. The guy only thinks about sex. What do you think a guy like that has to offer a woman?! Time? I don’t think he has any! He’s way busy! Love and attention?! I doubt it...I think he’s selfish like most of the men are. He wants to receive, not give.

- Oh! I forgot to tell you something funny about people that harass and are controlling!

- You’re not going to talk about the cherry guy, are you?

- No! Listen, this is really funny! A few days ago I went to the supermarket when I overheard a girl complaining to her friend saying, “You know what my idiot boyfriend does to guarantee that I’m at home and not on the cell phone somewhere? He makes me put my parrot on the phone! He whistles and the parrot imitates him!” She was speaking in such a loud and outraged tone of voice that everyone around her could hear! Everybody laughed!

- Cute story! One more thing, sweetie: stop with the fortune tellers, even if they get one or two things right. Follow your own intuition. Oh! Here comes the waiter with the dessert! (...) Let me look carefully at my fruit salad! I’m going to be a fortune teller for a few minutes! I can see the future in a fruit salad. What do you call this type of fortune teller?

- Fortune tellers who see the future in a fruit salad?! I don’t think they exist. I’ve heard of those who can see the future in tea leaves, coffee grounds, shells, cards…who knows…in fruit salad?! Ok, why not? Tell me, fortune teller, what do you see for me in your fruit salad?

- I see that you will do some shopping with me and buy some nice sexy clothes! New Year's Eve is almost here!

 

Date:   Saturday,  06 February 1999    10:39a,  Subject: “Knives”

Hi, can I come in? It’s been over a month since I last wrote J.

I decided to buy inline skates. We have a sort of large shed with lots of free space and so I’m going to learn how to skate by myself. 

Yesterday, while I was waiting for a friend of mine at the mall hairdresser (I was told the wait would be about an hour and a half) I concluded (from the things I did while I waited) that you shouldn’t eat anything -not even a little piece of chocolate - while in a perfume store! The scents also enter through the mouth! I know it seems obvious, but for me it wasn’t.  

Time passes slowly...an hour and a half still hasn’t gone by!

At night I got an email from someone called “Fog” whose email address was “anorexia” asking me if I wanted to talk about sex; if it could be about any type of sex.

Do you think anyone with anorexia has the energy for sex? I don’t think so. They probably don’t even have the appetite to talk about sex. Too much fog... What is you pretending to be someone else? Making fun of me, are you? Hmmm... who knows.... 

I haven’t written to you in a long time; however, I don’t think that I’m stable yet... my need to write to you still exists.

When I finish my university exams I’m thinking of getting a wooden board and some switchblades. I’m going to throw the knives at the wooden board! A different hobby... 

The next time I write you, I’ll probably be covered in black and blues from the skates.

A hug

 

 

Date: Tuesday,  09 February 1999    02:23pm,  Subject: Re: “Knives”

I really like reading you.......

 

 

Date:   Saturday,  13 February 1999    02:57pm,  Subject: “Magnetism”

...For days I’ve been waking up at 4am to study. I did all my studying for the degree I’m doing (remember?) in 18 days. I haven’t rested much. If my exam results are negative I will come to the conclusion that it was not prudent to try and compact the content given in the past three and a half months into such little time…

A slight distraction on my part and I fall under the protection of sleep. Not even then can I rest: sounds invade dreams. Here they are:

- The sound of astonishment at the existence of violet and orange roses: I bought them and have already planted them. Roses of many colors. I placed the orange roses next to the violet roses followed by the bright yellow roses, followed by the bi-colored red and yellow roses, behind the bi-colored orange-red ones in front of the diffused dark white roses and those red as blood, then the red orange roses and the virginal colored roses.

- The sound of the salt burning in the fire: when you find yourself in front of a fireplace, let it be the only light that exists in the dark quiet night. Throw salt into the fireplace and listen to the sound of the salt popping. This is what salt does when it is thrown into the fireplace: it pops!

- The sound of the pain of a masochist tied to the bed for hours with polish on the tip of his penis: when I was in high school, my first aid teacher (who was also a doctor) told us a story about a mother who had gone to pick up her newborn son from daycare earlier than usual.  When the child got home, its diapers were still dry. The mother observed the child carefully and aside from crying uncontrollably, she also noticed that the child’s stomach was extremely swollen and that it had nail polish on the tip of its penis blocking the urine. The child could not urinate! Someone in the daycare center didn’t need to change his diapers…

- The sound of a phantom soul, wandering alone in a museum: a possible attraction for museums without visitors....finding a false ghost. There is a lack of real ones J…

- The sound of the virility of a man with a crocodile: I read in a magazine that in ancient times there was a bravery test amongst Romans (or was it Egyptians? Or others?...) that consisted in having sex with a crocodile! Maybe I read wrong or understood wrong because as I write, this does not seem credible. Can your imagination visualizing this whole crocodile sex scene? 

-More sounds: The inaudible sound of the moving planets, The sound of thoughts that want to be intercepted, The sound of birds without limits, The sound of the email heading in your direction! 

End of sounds and let´s sleep now!

The weather has been good! Actually, it’s been really good! It’s getting hotter. Lower necklines

Ideas go through my head! They go through and the ones that stay say that I can only see the impossible in comic books. In comic books they remove their heart from their chest as it beats quickly. They hold their heart in their hands, talk to it, calm it down and place it serenely in the same place! 

I’m going to tell you something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time: You’re a different type of man…magnetic!... A different and magnetic man!

 

 

Date:   Sunday,  14  February 1999    02:35pm,  Subject: Re: “Magnetism”

My curiosity in meeting you personally grows constantly... Not because I am different or magnetic, but because you said so. Let’s do this.

 

 

Date:   Monday,  22 February 1999    03:02pm,  Subject: “Enchanted”

I’ll let you choose the day, time and place. You can decide without hesitation.

“Let’s do this,” I’m enchanted.

What shall I write about today?

...I could write about how I decorated my friend’s new apartment!

She bought only the necessary furniture (problems with money) and some furniture had been donated by friends, or bought second hand, so I was able to play around a bit. (The second she gets some cash to buy new furniture, she will. She’s vain! )

I painted some of the furniture with spray paint. It didn’t look all that bad. I erased its melancholy. This type of spray paint that’s used on cars is very resistant, lasts for many years and can be bought in most supermarkets.

She still hasn’t got any decorations in her apartment. Personally, I think they take up space, but like I said... when she gets some cash... I can just imagine her house full of little things... She loves to “decorate”.

Ah! I could also tell you about the semi-precious stones that I brought back from Brazil and how this month I went to a jewelry shop with a sketch that I made of a necklace and bracelet to see if they would make them for me

 

 

Date: Saturday,  27 February 1999        01:20am,  Subject:  “More...

(poem)

"Not a day goes by that he does not take me, Sometimes I am the first one to want it, I ask him to take me, Before the typical hour, But sometimes, Because of the day to day rush, I have to refuse…Until he possesses me, He will do nothing else, Only see me, See me contest that my desire, Not to want him, Is null, And escape an indifference, If he has already said yes…When he takes me, Memories generate, That I want to remember, At the start of every day, He slips slowly into the deepness, A habit which repeats itself…" (end)

The poem above doesn’t refer to the sexual act, but rather to sleep!

What did you think it was about ?

Do you know that I dream in color? It’s true! I only remember dreaming in black and white once in my entire life. It coincided with a phase of my life in which I was “down”…sad. It was during my first week at University. I was far from home and living in an apartment in the city with other students. Every dawn the noisy garbage truck would wake me up. I had a terrible time falling asleep again until I eventually got used to the noise.

The city has got a lot of charm, but it’s not my cup of tea… The dream was extremely depressing: in black and white.

(poem)

"When I’m in the world of dreams, With the wide array of colors, I create another world full of pearls, Where the real world, Which only knows how to walk on the floor, Rolls... I see the real world rolling over pearls, And then tumbling far away, Far away, And all is left is me, And my world of fantastic dreams...In the realistic world, My head leans on a wall for lack of a shoulder, In dreams, I lean on a vortex, Whose origin is in a fantastic world full of super powers…" (end)

Do you want to know something else?

I passed my exams. Of course, I’ll still have more exams throughout the year...

I’m tired…I would like to stay awake a little longer, but I’m so tired that my eyes… Look, one is already sleeping and the other is doing me the favor of staying open so that I can write to you on the computer now. I’m really very tired... but I continue to write. Me and my urges...and my urge is to write you…hug

 

 

Date: Saturday,  06  March 1999   11:23pm,  Subject: “Meow!”

Hi! How are things going with you?

Outside it’s raining persistently with dense fog and strong winds.

I was in the tub for thirty minutes. I just loved it!

Do you want to see me act intelligent? Listen to my rationale: “If realism is real, then it exists. Pirouettes also exist. Therefore, pirouettes are an example of realism. But realism cannot do a pirouette, for it has no feet to create these circular movements. However, mental pirouettes are possible, by this I mean, pirouettes in the sense of being able to change opinions rapidly.” By the way, it can be stated that what is real exists independently of actual opinions! Do you agree?

Should I try, one of these days, rhapsodomancy, the supposed ability to foretell the future by randomly opening a book of poems and selecting a verse at random with which to interpret the future by?

Should I try, lying down on a swing and watch the days go by? If one of these (days) brings an email of yours, I will not let it go by.

Meow…meow…I transformed into a cat. I feel like going meow!

What if I transform into a naughty kidnapper and kidnap you! Where are you?

 

 

Date: Saturday,  20  March 1999    04:28pm,  Subject: “Strawberry patches”

Hi! How are you?

I’m going to become a spy! I cannot count on the strawberry patches in my garden to collaborate with me, for they are still small. According to the pamphlet that came with the plants, these should produce loads of strawberries. I ordered five more plants, which should arrive within the next ten days.

In truth, I can only count on the passion fruit trees to help me in my endeavor.

Spy who? You!

How will I spy on you? I thought about the following possibility: I will support my conclusions based on the information given to me by the passion fruit trees that will try to communicate with any plant or tree in any street, garden or building that knows you.

It would go something like this: Your image in my mind, plants, reading minds and information transfer between them and I.

What do I intend to discover? I want to know if, if, if…if, epidemic of ifs!!...if you really are the best!

 

 

Date: Saturday,  03 April  1999    06:57pm,  Subject: “Mirror”

(poem)

"I am in front of a steamy mirror, A hypothetical medium of a vision of an effigy, But I am distracted, If I had freckles, I would concentrate on them, I can never touch myself, By touching the me in front of me, Nor can this mirror transpose me or transport me, I am simply stuck in my malnourished soul… My eyes are distracted by the dark blue, Pink, Lilac agates, My distraction continues, Quartz, Jasper, Malachite, Lapis lazuli, Rock crystal, Amethysts, Turquoise, Tourmaline, Aquamarine, Red garnets, And emeralds that were brought from Brazil… A lit candle, in the night, Strengthens the illumination of the crystals, I continue distracted from the daily routines, I need intensity, I’m going to close my eyes, But first I’m going to turn off the computer and my mind, No, I won’t turn myself off from you..." (end)

 

 

Date: Saturday,  17  April  1999    03:16pm,  Subject: “France”

Hi !

I look like a petal. Pretty, but static…waiting for a strong wind to release me. I am stuck to my unwillingness. The truth is that I have to start studying, again. Exams end on July 2nd. I don’t have any desire to study. When I do feel like it, I hope that the desire will go away or I try to convince myself that I don’t have time to study. I can’t say that I don’t like my major, but lately I just don’t feel like it. This is just laziness!...

I’m like this!... I think life is simple!... So simple!... This is simply laziness!

The warm days are returning...No, I’m not studying! Why? 

Because I was able to convince myself that the fault of my not studying is not due to my laziness, but rather because of the hot weather which incites my laziness. Or, maybe I haven’t been studying because I’ve been really, really, really sleepy lately at night and I need to sleep. Or maybe because I’m get home quite tired after a long day of work! I feel like feeling really tired…so that I don’t have to study! Or maybe because I have a really, really, really strong desire to go to the movies and so, I can’t study today!

In fact, I still have one more excuse: one major is enough, I don’t need a new major! I’m going to quit this one half-way into it. I can see it now!!

Another excuse is my belief that the people in my home are in need of comfort food…specifically, cakes. So, I get in my car and go to the farthest supermarket to buy one (or more) birthday cakes. What a hard life I have! I don’t have time for anything!...

And, so I have come to the conclusion, without feeling very disappointed, that there is nothing I can do to find more time to study!

 Sometimes I’m so full of energy that I don’t even know what to do with it. J What if I channel it to you? I’m tempted to write erotic thoughts. I never did because it is a topic that is not prone to innovation. Ideas, sentences, metaphors arise that have already been touched upon. My bra is bothering me! Ah, all better now...I took it off.

The truth is that I have no ideas today, so I can’t get into the erotic. You’re in France, right? (According to a magazine I picked up.) There are a lot of beautiful castles in France, right? And here I am building castles in the air! I’ve built so many that I can send you one. 

Do you want one?

 

 

Date: Sunday,  02 May  1999    11:49am,  Subject: “Breakdowns”

My television broke down last night!

Yesterday, I went to my 26 year old cousin’s wedding.

The bride’s niece, who is 8 years old and was one of the flower girls, wanted to enter the church with a bunch of costume jewelry that I had given her: two long necklaces, two rings and various earrings. None of the jewelry matched the outfit she was wearing! She was determined to change her look and thought the addition of the jewelry made her look prettier. (She hung some of the earrings on the hoops of one of the pairs of earrings and the colorful stone necklaces around her neck, for she was tired of her outfit which was simply: white. According to her, nothing better than adding a little bit of color.)

 I left the party “early”. Well, the ceremony at the church started at 12pm and when I left the party it was already 10pm…not early. Then, I went to catch a movie at midnight. When I got home, I still didn’t feel like going to bed. I was hungry. I checked out what was in the fridge. I saw tons and tons of cooked shrimp. My aunt, the mother of the bride, had given it to us. It was dawn…I ate. I ate so many shrimp that I got tired of eating shrimp!

I ate the shrimp while watching television. I’d glance at the television, and glance back at the shrimp. In one of these glances, I was gazing at the prawns when the television went dark. I lost my appetite. And only when this happened did I come to the conclusion that I was actually tired of eating shrimp because if television had continued, I absentmindedly, would have continued to eat without ever getting tired. I was left without a television! What a pain in the neck! I literally lost my appetite!

My television is broken... I look down at the dead shrimp I am eating. It´s depressing! Stop the world and let me get off! But, where would I go?

And you? Are you broken down, also?A shut down kiss

 

 

Date: Saturday,  08 May 1999    02:40am,  Subject: “Impressed”

I am impressed: the absolute independence of one being to another does not exist…

 

 

Date: Saturday,  15 May 1999    4:28pm,  Subject: “Rain”

Yesterday and today, I walked under and over rain and sun.

I felt like wearing a long lace dress, a long leather jacket with my hair down and a hat. Confronting the rain without aggression.

The rain fell, but rose again in the form of vapor. The temperature in the air was somewhat hot. It would have been great if it were really hot.

I miss you! How are the preparations of your new CD going?

I do not want you to become overconfident or absent of pain, at least not until the job is concluded. Too much confidence produces results similar to an alcoholic euphoria. In regards to the pain, it will ask for relief through the beautiful music that you are looking for. She, music, will come to you because she knows you are looking for her…On the other hand, anxiety is not productive, especially when the anxiety centers around wanting to do a very good job. Sometimes, in order to free these fears the best thing to do is to forget them, and ourselves as well. That’s liberating. Hug

 

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