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Chapter 4




Date:   Sunday,    02 January 2000        09:47pm,  Subject: “I liked it!”

.....I liked the tone of your voice and, your attitude and, your straightforwardness and, there was no other way for me to have understood and, thank you for doing it just like I asked: quickly and cruelly and, I continue to like you and, I don’t want you to feel traumatized by my obsessions with you and, because that would weigh down my conscious and, what you thought were obsessions were strategies and, what luck of mine!

You’re scared of commitments, right? You know, it’s a little problem of yours.

I liked it. You’re really tough! It took you long enough! But the wait was understandable, you’re always too busy: if not music, then fucking around. If I were to fuck you it wouldn’t be just one time, but you’d be so busy that it would have to be only one time, right? That´s why I never wanted anything from you, so you could save your time to fuck others!

Just like you, I have a philosophy on life. Do you want to hear it? ...La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…  Did you like this song ?!

 You seemed to be in a bad mood… was it because your new CD wasn’t the commercial success you wanted it to be ? You wanted to write some intellectual lyrics… which are hard to understand… even the ones that speak of love. You wanted a change, but it wasn’t accompanied by sincerity. There was pretending: you changed to impress and then sell.

If you just feel like fucking and sing about wanting to fuck, that sells because you were honest about it. That sells and has an amusing commonness about it. There is synchronicity between the soul of the musician and his music. That can be commercialized.

Do you want me to tell you something? Go ahead and fuck them. They do it for free, right?! You’re lucky…

One more thing: you went over the top, you know? You saw atrocious things in me, like, for example: obsessions!

In your life do you go around grabbing huge boobs or is it only my obsessions that are huge? 

Your private space! Your cell phone! I can’t go there!

Look, women also have something known as a private space (it´s between the legs), meanwhile you want to invade all the private spaces you can. Have you realized this?

Fuck around to see if you can increase your musical inspiration!

You gave me a sermon and ended saying, “But you can write me...”?!

You’re so confused! The only thing left to say is that this is love!!!

I was touched because if you were truly a cruel person instead of telling me to write, you would have said, “Don’t write me because if you do, I won’t read it!”

You’re kinder than you admit. Have a great 2000!

My life is going to have to change! I don’t know how, but it’s going to change!

So many complications!... But was it me who complicated things?

The complication came from you not changing yourself, me not changing myself, nor me changing you or you changing me. In the end we both wanted the same thing we wanted in the beginning. We were both looking for love and to be loved, but the way in which we wanted and obtained it was our irreconcilable difference. You did not assume my form, nor did I assume your form.

This tie between forces is the complication. Now I’m in a phase of reconstructing my feelings. This is a complicated phase, but I won’t have any resentments towards you… don’t worry. Life is beautiful...

Well... I still haven’t left. Remember, you told me that I could continue writing!... But, you’re the normal one. I have to return you to normalcy.

You said that you received a lot of messages, but that you would still read mine. That’s very kind of you. Thanks.

I’m sure that this is for the best. Maybe it’s destiny. Maybe a new path is beginning for me. Maybe my time is still only coming... although I still don’t understand anything. What I envision at the moment is nothing but things do not happen by chance. Destiny has a plan for me.

You said, “The absence of an answer is the answer.”

You were cruel… but more to yourself than to me. You will come to understand this when my emails become scarce.

(poem)I live in the emptiness, As if this weren’t enough, Not even it wants me, Because it wants to continue being empty, Who do I belong to? (end)

The creation of my soul was a mistake made by the Creator. Even as the daughter of my parents, I still do not meet their expectations. In the first place, they say that I don’t have a “practical spirit” for life. And you didn’t know what to do with someone who exists like I exist….

Life, listen to this: Get out of the way because I’m coming through! 

I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

A good night to me… If I ever reach your world... common logic is going to be turned upside down. A crazy idea has been going through my mind recently: me becoming a singer for a while. What do you think? Crazy!? Maybe... I don’t have any experience as a singer.

See the attachment that I sent. I’m offering you a drawing of a dragon expelling flames in fury! I painted its nails red, its lips an orange-red-fire color, one eye yellow and the other lilac. It’s a dragoness! It’s me, expelling hate flames! I’m still not over it!

I hate you!

Ninfa Artemis

(P.S.  Ninfa Flor (Flower Nymph) is not the name of a warrior. NINFA ARTEMIS is my new name!)

(I was really pissed off when I wrote this article ...)

Internet Dating Website,  Name: Flower,  Saturday, 08  January 2000  

Is this where you find love?! I bet the sex around here isn’t so great. What a world!

Even if I were to dye my hair green, nothing would change! The world would still be the same!

My cat loves to watch the clothes tumbling in the washing machine. Everything is amusing to it. Everything is a toy to play with! Just like the idiots that are in this world!

The world… emptier and emptier. Everyone makes it emptier… Nothing is loved right, but everything is fucked left and right. You fuck more with a woman’s mind than with her body... you impotent assholes!

I need love, but the fear of the games is too much! It inhibits me! It inhibits me!

No one has love to give...

I won’t leave my email address here because it doesn’t matter… because nothing matters to me. While there are still people on this planet, each one will be a mistake; each one will be one more dot in this infinite sequence: each in their own time, being tricked by their own selves and others.

Each species comes in a pair: the dog and the bitch, the wolf and the bitch; and, of course, the asshole and the bitch.

I’m not cut out for assholes! Goodbye!



Date: Saturday, 12 February 2000,  *internet site*,  Subject: “Information”

               Dear Sirs,

firstly, I would like to sincerely thank you for your existence and the patient assistance that you provide free of charge regarding general information on copyright laws.

I am writing because I need some information; specifically, where and how I can register (if this is the correct term) in order to copyright some lyrics to songs which I wrote. I am also searching for singers and/or record labels who I can sell those lyrics to. Friends have warned me against sending copies or even handing the lyrics over to anyone without copyrighting them first.

I have found a private entity where I can register, however I also saw that they retain some percentage of the commercial sales in the following manner: First, the sale of the album goes directly to them being deposited directly into their bank account. Only then will this entity pay the artist, but the artist will only receive a percentage for his/her work! Worst of all, the percentage to be paid is not specified in the mandatory document presented by the aforementioned entity for the artist to sign being that the artist can only register his/her work  after signing this document! The entity could pay a measly 1% if it so feels like it, keeping 99% of the money made on sales for itself! I repeat, the percentage is not specified on the document!

I would like to know if I can defend my rights without having to go through this entity. I would appreciate a quick reply.

I greatly appreciate your time and attention.


(note: A few days earlier I had written the first lyrics to songs which would later become a part of the album “Incenso”(Portuguese album). I wanted to copyright them, but not in the usual manner for the reasons which I mention in the email. After some research, I discovered IGAC -Inspeção Geral das Atividades Culturais (GICA-General Inspection of Cultural Activities, a service under direct administration of the Portuguese State) which is where I finally registered)



Date:Tuesday, 22  February 2000, 02:13am,  Subject: “Your lecture”

....I went into the city...I went to your lecture... The one in which you and some others spoke about the panorama of music in Portugal. I think that the crowd enjoyed it. 

I liked seeing the fluid ideas of the speakers as well as the quick intelligent replies to the audience’s questions.

I did get on line for autographs, but when I saw you all nervous and telling your fans that you had to go, that it was time to go…  insisting more and more as I got closer and closer… I decided to give up on the autograph and get off the line.

Did you think I was going to make a scene?! I felt bad that you were so anxious.

Wishing you the best, Ninfa Artemis



Dialog 9 *work colleague* Wednesday,  23 February  2000,  09:05pm

- Hey famous!

- Hey hot babe! After today, you’re going to stop calling me “famous”! I’ve taken on a new name... a warrior name! Ninfa Artemis! (Nymph Artemis)

- Who?! Nymph?! Hey... good name! I like it! Nymph Artemis! It’s got style! I like it!

- Me too!

- And it suits you: Nymph Artemis! My Angelic Nymph... ah! Sorry! Warrior Nymph!

- My name: Nymph Artemis! Destiny is on my side! Look, to celebrate this new state of being, and because I know how much you like perfumes, I bought you one! See if you like it!

- It smells good! I like it. You know... your name would make a great name for a perfume! Nymph Artemis Perfume! I would even make a slogan for it: “Nymph: a perfume for warrior sorceresses from Artemis!” Do you like?

- Nice slogan! I like it! This perfume is also a going away gift... You’re really going to Australia, right hot babe? You’re going ahead with your idea?

- I’m leaving at the end of December... I’m going to stay for Christmas, but I’ll be celebrating the 2001 New Year there! And you? What are your future plans?

- My future... the signs are starting to reveal themselves... It’s going to take a while to happen, but it will happen!

- How did things end?

- End?!

- Yes. How did you guys, you and him, end? It was somehow predictable that it would happen… By your slaughtered air, I deduce that the split had already occurred.

- It hurt, but things changed for the better. I was finally able to see my path… The dust lifted and now I can see my path.

- There you go again with your philosophical ideas: the dust hung in the air blinding your little angelic eyes. That must have hurt!

- To those who want to see the path, the dust may get in their eyes and hurt them, but only those who are desperate to see the hidden path are able to keep their eyes open in those circumstances: immense dust that hurts the eyes. This can be extremely painful …

- Wouldn’t it be easier to let the dust settle and then open your eyes? Then you could see all the same, but with no pain!

- If I wait for the dust to settle, it will only show me the same path. The dust will settle and occupy the same place it occupied before. It will cover everything and the path will become hidden again underneath the particles of dust and everything will be the same when I open my eyes again…

- But dust rises with the wind, or even a little gust of air... The wind would sweep away the dust and when we all open our eyes the wind will have taken the dust far away and our path would be right in front of us, extremely visible! Why fight? It’s better just to wait patiently...

- There are those who are lucky enough to close their eyes because others are the wind in their lives… I believe that the kind of wind that can lift mountains is much stronger when it originates in one’s own will... It’s a mistake to think you need others more than you need yourself...

- You are philosophical! I’m hungry!

- What if we get a slice of that chocolate cake covered in nuts and rimmed with slices of caramelized pineapple?

- In other words... a slice of that weird cake?

- Yeah, it also looks like it’s got crystallized cherries in it… you want to try it? It might be good.

- If you say so... Let’s go for it! Where were we? Ah! Dust, eyes, pain, path... Am I missing anything? Why not just send everything to fuckin’ hell!

- I’m losing my mind, fed up with my life, tired of feeling like a fish out of water, of feeling that I don’t fit in this world… In conclusion, tired of waiting for something to happen, tired of suffering, tired of the nothing that my life has become…

- My adorable angel, relax and find a man that values you, ok? You’re a crazy fan... this is how the singer sees you. He’s surrounded by women! He’s probably nauseous from having so many choices!... Stop being Sleeping Beauty because he’s not going to be the prince that wakes you up and saves you with a kiss! He’s more the vampire type – give me all you have to give me, I have nothing to give you. I think you should take more advantage of your life...

- I dream too much. I feel like banging my head against a wall! Maybe I’d wake up... or maybe not and just end up in the hospital with a cracked skull!

- My dear Nymph, you have the soul of an artist!... You artists are all sufferers... But aside from that, you are also amusing! I find your adventures amusing…

- Thanks, hot babe!

- Speaking of artists, let’s talk about the singer: his new CD was just released, but I don’t really understand where he’s trying to go with the lyrics of this one, too weird... He could have expressed himself in a poetic-intellectual manner, but without the weirdness. I don’t get what he’s talking about! Do you get it?

- Maybe... but you are right, this time the songs weren’t as successful as the previous ones had been. He decided to experiment with a new musical style on some of them… and changed his lyrics in such a way that they became elaborate that they are on the verge of being sometimes completely incomprehensible. He wanted to reveal his intellectual side. Maybe it was a fatal choice for the sale of CDs…

- Don’t feel bad for him... He still has a lot of fans. I see here in one of the emails that he thanks you for providing him with inspiration, Nymph, the muse, huh? But don´t fool yourself. In fact, he must have thousands of female fans who think that a particular song was inspired by them! I can see each fan: the student that is studying at home listening to the song, over and over again, thinking it was dedicated to her! The college graduate driving her car with the radio on is also moved! His new song just played on the radio! It’s about her!... Or so she thinks. The fan who went grocery shopping (all little markets, supermarkets have music playing in the background) who is currently in the personal hygiene aisle and felt her spine tingle! She had just come from the fresh foods section, but now she’s back where the song about her had started playing! How touching!

- If only there were a magic formula that could guarantee the commercial success of a CD! The record labels would definitely use it! The problem is that these things which involve artistry always have a little unpredictability in the mix when it comes to commercial success…

- Don’t think about him anymore. It’s his problem! Listen: if he had sold hundreds of thousands of copies of his new CD, your destiny would be the same! He wouldn’t give you any special treatment! The only think he would think about would be spending his money on all the ladies he would be able to seduce... My little angel, I suggest we have some cherry liquor! Let’s have a little delicious cherry liquor, what do you say?

- Let’s go for it! (…) The cherry liquor is really good!

- Now, back to the topic of failures: he has got a lot of personal possessions. If he were ever to find himself in a rut, he could just sell some of them. He’s got several cars, houses in the city, by the beach, in the suburbs... so it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him. Then of course, there are also the big brands who hire or invite an artist to participate in television and print commercials and that is always financially rewarding! We common mortals are the ones who are in trouble… no public ad would save us from monetary problems…

- Did you know that our friend, the one with the really short hair, has got a niece who is sixteen years old who is a singer?

- Really?!

- Yes. I talked to her.

- You know cute sweetie … you’re not going to like it, but do you mind if I smoke two or maybe a few more cigarettes? I feel like smoking so bad! I know that your angelic lungs don’t like to inhale second hand smoke... but can I smoke?

- Of course you can, that is, if you really want to! Destroy both your hot babe lungs and my angelic ones as well! Anyway, on my way home I drive through this area that’s got lots of pine and eucalyptus trees which will clear, clean and disinfect my lungs.

- I see here in one of your emails that you mention you’ve been thinking about becoming a singer?!

- I don’t have any experience in singing… absolutely none! If I go ahead with this idea of mine I may have to write my own lyrics because I don’t know anyone who could do it for me.

- You definitely have experience in writing...

- Not really! Other than these months I spent emailing the singer, I had never really written anything significant before… besides maybe a few Christmas cards…

- You have no experience as a writer?! Look... it seems to me that you’ve been writing for a long time! So you’re saying that the singer roused your talent for writing?! At least one positive thing came out of this guy! It’s a good thing too because the world gained a writer!

- You’re already projecting my future! In your head I’m already a writer!

- Leaving something for others to read is very powerful, you know? You could influence people in the present or people in the next hundred years, or more… when you’re already in Heaven! An angel like you can’t go to hell and burn her white feathered wings! I know you... tell me what you’re thinking!...

- Maybe, with luck, someday... me and the singer can team up and write lyrics together!

- There she goes again!!!!! Forget the guy!!!!

- Who knows if on a possible future CD of mine he might even create the melody to my lyrics…

- Sweetie, time is going to go by and you’re not going to get any help from him!!! He’d be lucky enough if he could help himself! Prepare yourself to be the singer, writer and composer!!!

- Writing the lyrics, although I may not have too much experience does not scare me very much... Being a singer and composing music scares me a lot…really a lot…

- There are plenty of singers who don’t know how to use their voice and they sing all the same. Some are even famous! Don’t worry! If you’re terrible... you’ll only be one more terrible singer out there! In regards to composing your music... why not? Try! Who knows, you might be good at it!

- Creating the melody, or, in other words, trying to compose is going to be very difficult. I don’t even play an instrument! It’s going to be hard because I would have to imagine the sounds entirely in my head… My experience in this area is another super zero! I never even had musical training! I’m in trouble!!

- Don’t you know anyone who could help you?

- No…no one.  I live far from a big city. I live in a village!

- You have a car... you can get around! There are musicians out there!

- I don’t know what to do with my life…

- You’re going to be a novelist and a song writer, singer and composer! And, when you’re famous you’re also going to be in movies, an actress! You’re going to be famous!...

- The only thing left to say is that one day my life will be a Hollywood film! …

- You have to think big! Thinking modestly and being afraid gets you nowhere! Isn’t that what the Brazilian psychic said: that you would be famous? Nothing can stop you from being famous! Now, I’m going to have my coffee, smoke my cigarette and live “La vida loca”!

- You always put me in a super good mood! You’re the best! I love you!

- I know I’m the best, honey! Your life is going to change! Believe me! Strange and amazing things happen to you! You’re going to venture out into the artistic world, so who knows what will happen. Life is full of surprises… Do you know something? I told our friend who wears the really high heels that you were a writer but that you wanted to keep it a secret! I told her that you were writing a book! I also told two other friends of ours... whatever...! I’m a blabber mouth! Anyway, let me just tell you what I told them: “Our friend (who, might I add, is also a great friend of mine) is a writer and a singer! Surprised?! Too much for you guys!”

- You said what?!!!!!

- I told them that you were writing a book and that you and I were the main characters in the novel with some poems included here and there... and that you would be a singer in no time!

- But the only thing I’ve got are the emails that I sent to the singer! There is no book! And in regards to becoming a singer... Who knows?...

- I told them that you were going to make me a fabulous character... as only I can be... with your help, of course! You know how to make things shine!

- You want me to put our conversations in the book?!

- Of course! When would I ever appear in a story if you don’t?! I’m not a famous singer! Actually, with the exception of the deceased fado singer Amália Rodrigues, there is no one truly famous in this country although some people may think they are!

- I’ll do what you ask… I promise to put you in the book if I write it!...

- Our friends were fuming with jealousy! The one in the high heels said that she’d also make a good character but that she would want you to describe her as being tall, thin with green eyes! …

- This is getting good...

- You got it! The one in the high heels wants to have green eyes in your story!... And she also wants you to say she is irresistible to all men! Don’t forget! Then, our friend with the short hair. She wanted you to describe her as... how? Oh yeah! She wants you to say she’s a model who has been married five times!

- I was so consumed by my own problems, but this conversation is totally making me forget them! She wants to be part of the book as a woman who’s been married five times?! She’s only been married once. She’s been with the same guy for fifteen years!

- She says she’s tired of dealing with her husband! She says it’s always the same thing: he gets home, they hardly talk, he sits on the couch, all he wants to do is watch the news and know what’s for dinner… Besides all this, he goes to bed early to ensure that he gets nine hours of sleep a night to guarantee he wakes up in a good mood in the morning! What a shitty life she’s got!

- But she’s always in such a good mood!

- She told me that when her husband goes to bed she gets on those online internet chats… and introduces herself as a single woman! She says that she’s been having a little fun! According to her, it’s just innocent fun. She also says she likes to go to sites and look at naked guys with good, muscular bodies.

- Who would have guessed!… She looks just like a little goodie two shoes...

- Listen, those are the ones who surprise you the most! Her husband hardly pays attention to her. Men marry women and the women become immovable objects!... They hardly notice us... We become almost invisible! Just remember: in your story she wants to be a model who’s been married five times with hot, interesting men! Tell me: what did you find out about making music, the music world and the like in the conversation you had with the sixteen year old niece of our friend?

- Sometimes I meet her in the shopping mall with her aunt, our friend. She really looks like an artist. She’s really careful with how she looks: clothes accessories, makeup, nails...etc. She has a pretty face, perfect skin and beautiful, well cared for, shoulder-length, pin straight hair.

- Do you think all singers need to have pin straight hair?!!

- I don’t think so... but she does. She told me that she’s already recorded, edited and released a CD which is now on sale! It was released by a small Portuguese record label. She said that the band would sell some CDs in festivals or places where they had gigs… She said that for the photo session for the CD cover they put (imagine!) four layers of base on her skin!!!.. She said that it was thick layer covered by thick layer and then compact powder to top it off! I was floored! Extremely young and immaculate skin! I asked her why they needed to use so much base and she said that she didn’t know! Then I thought to myself, how many layers would they need to put on my skin!? Scarred skin and I’m not a teenager anymore! Thirty layers?!!!!

- Those people are sick and idiotic!

- Do you know that she’s been in a magazine?

- Seriously?! The band is already popular?!

- The band continues to be obscure to the general public, but as the singer, she’s already appeared in a magazine, in a corner of it… She showed me the cutout from the magazine... She was also on a television show!...

- There are so many singers and bands these days!... And they’re all so similar in style and image that no one can keep them in their memories for long…

- Her band is made up of two vocalists: her and another girl, two “dancers” and the musicians. All together there are eight of them.

- Did she pay to get in the magazine?

- No. I thought that she had, but she guaranteed me that she didn’t pay a dime. Only she and the other singer appear in the picture from the magazine. The photo is no big deal... the two of them smiling in front of a garden in the city in the summer… The photo was simple. You or I could have taken it... But, do you know how many pictures her manager wanted them to take? (This is about as absurd as the four layers of base…) The best photographs would be selected and sent to the magazine which would then choose one which would then be reduced in size and put in a corner of one of the pages in the magazine!!!

- Thirty?!

- One hundred and fifty photographs!! All taken on that summer afternoon, in the same clothing, with the same photographer and in the same garden. They didn’t even change the garden!

- You’re really pissed about the gardens!

- Scenery is important, I think. Otherwise it’s like a koala! They want everything to be so special and different and it ends up being like a koala!

- A koala?!

- Yes!... In those nature shows on television, koalas are always characterized as being very lazy, calm, slow, with no energy! But I think they’re really cute! They look like stuffed toys! I also really like pandas, dolphins... Actually, I like all animals, even flies!

- Flies?!

- Flies are sly, you know?

- Flies are sly?! I had no idea! Why? Did one of them fall through on a promise? Did it not go bother the singer like you asked it to?!

- There you go again, joking around with me! You’re a cubist! All you do is throw cubes at my head! Flies are sly because a few days ago, one came in through an open window and ended up getting stuck inside after the window closed. I tried to shoo it away with a rag back out of the window, which I reopened, but it insisted on flying into the window’s glass instead of out of it! I must have swatted it a little hard because at one point it ended up falling on to the windowsill, seemingly dead: its wings weren’t moving and its legs were crossed over its abdomen. I was very admired that I had killed it.. but when I looked at the windowsill again, it was gone! You see? It played dead so that I would leave it alone!

- The things that I, a city girl, learn from you: “flies are sly!”

- I can also tell you a story about something that happened at my home that involves a small three-month old kitten and two large adult dogs!

- Ok! First the story of the fly and now the story of a strong kitten…

- This happened opposite our outdoor kitchen. It’s a country kitchen. We’ve got a wood burning stove... a kitchen that has been adapted to rural life. Someone gave us a small kitten. On the first day we got the kitten, it hid under the cupboard and only when it was sure no one was around, would it come out and eat the food in its bowl. On the second day it would walk around the kitchen more freely, but it would still hide. On the third day, it was bored! It spent the whole morning meowing. It was annoying! It seemed to be protesting! It couldn’t have been hungry or cold. I think it missed its mom and sibling kittens... It was really stressed!... It would meow in such an irritating manner! Because it was so stressed, it left the kitchen – the ground door that lead out to the fields was open and it just left. Straight ahead it went!...As it walked, it must have realized that the ground was humid… it had rained some hours earlier. You know that kittens don’t wear goulashes, right hot babe?

- Really?! I had no idea! Just think! I thought that they used umbrellas.

- I just asked to make sure... You don’t have to exaggerate, hot babe! It exited the kitchen door, went straight ahead, meowing as it went, and then felt the humidity on its paws! Then, it stopped meowing and started to raise each paw alternately to shake off the water: “What is this? I don’t like this at all! What a pain! I’m going from bad to worse! How can I meow: shit-I-hate-having-wet-paws?” It had been born in the summer and had never experienced the rain!

- A summer-born kitten that shakes its paws because of the rain...ok! When do the dogs get in on the story?

- Seriously! It was cute to watch! It was fun! It would raise its paws quickly and simultaneously which made it look as if all four paws were up in the air at the same time, as if to see if the speed of the movement would transform its paws into the propellers of a helicopter so that it could fly over the water soaked soil.

- You find so many things amusing! You find kittens shaking off drops of rain from their delicate summer paws amusing!... You find writing to the singer to be amusing…

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