Chapter 4

P6Singer

 

-The singer was rude to me. I’m going to tell you that story in a second! Finishing off this one, our two large adult dogs went in search of the kitten. We had just let them loose so that they could run and play in the fields… After their walk, they saw the kitten and went in its direction, running quickly towards it with threatening looks on their faces. The kitten had all its attention focused on its wet paws and just kept shaking them off!  By this time the dogs had reached the kitten: one on either side of it looking tough!

- Did the kitten stop shaking off its paws and run? I doubt it, otherwise you wouldn’t be telling me this story…

-The kitten remained completely indifferent to the tough-looking dogs who at this point had raised their eyes; a clear sign of surprise and also started watching the kitten shaking its paws. “You’re not scared?! Are you crazy or something? Have you seen how big we are?! And while we’re at it... what the heck are you doing with your paws? Don’t you know that paws are used for walking? Hey idiot, stop shaking your paws and show us your fear! Be normal!” The dogs got closer in order to sniff the kitten. The cat let out a shrill meow and firmly placed its paws on the soil: “Another pain?!!! What a day I’m having! Who are these two idiots with the big faces almost on top of me?! Look friends, I don’t know who you are. I just want to stroll, meow and see my mom and siblings! I’m angry enough as it is and that makes me dangerous!... I’m warning you: don’t mess with me!!!!...”

- Moral of the story: the size of our power is determined by our mind and not by our appearance. Going back to the sixteen year old singer, has she made money with her songs?...

- Although her band is not well known, they do bring in some cash in the month of August which is when they have most of their concerts. The rest of the year the band is less active. According to her, the life of an artist is not easy. She also says, there is the emotional pressure to always be in a good mood in front of the public, to keep them constantly pleased even if she’s in pain or troubled…

- What kind of life is that? Having to please others, whether you want to or not. It becomes something more of an obligation. I don’t want to have a job in which my monetary intake depends on how much people like me.  I could care less how much people like me.

- “The most important thing is to be healthy and to have no time for nonsense!”

– That’s what my mom says. I wish I didn’t have time to think or suffer. What am I going to do with my life?

- Speaking of your mother, you once mentioned vaguely that you and your parents had had a harsh life, right?

- Both my parents started working, farming the land, at a very young age. At only seven years old, they would help their parents on the farm. It was hard times for everyone. Agriculture was sustenance. There was a lot of hunger. People didn’t have the luxury of eating whatever they wanted or as much as they wanted. It was miserable. Families were numerous and money, clothing, food and comfort were scarce. Many times, what was produced on the farm was not enough. With any luck it was enough to feed the family. Many times the weather delayed or destroyed production. Most children only went to school for the number of years that was obligatory by the government. My parents were children when the Second World War began. Misery was abundant, but everyone was used to it. Psychological resistance was high. For example, my father used to say that many poor people did not wear shoes on a regular basis. Shoes were only worn on Sundays to go to mass. A lot of children used to go to school barefoot, a lot of adults walked to work barefoot, even in the snow. Life was for the strong of body and soul… My mother says that people today live in luxury and don’t know of how well they have it. She says that they complain about life, but that they don’t know how miserable life can really be. She says that if one day the misery that she and many others experienced were to return, people would most definitely kill each other because living the good life makes people weak. Do you know that the singer has got three cell phones? Exactly as many as the number of cell phone service providers we have in this country.

- Of course he does! Why does that surprise you? It’s not cheap to pick up chicks over the phone! You’ve got to think about the price of the call! Who told you that he had three cell phones? Some fan?

- I was able to find out some stuff that day –the day of the break up. It was a sad scene... Why do I get myself into these situations? If I were a singer, who knows if something wouldn’t bring us closer together… music, for example.

- Sweetie: become a singer, writer or whatever you want, but please forget this guy!... He doesn’t help anyone! The only one he wants to help is himself! Life is full of egocentric people and he’s just one more! Public figures or private figures or whatever kind of figures may exist, are not powerful at all. Many times they can’t help. Many times the obstacle lies in them, other times the obstacles are external. They also don’t help because they don’t know how, they don’t want to, don’t have time, aren’t interested or because they have problems like the rest of us and are trying to solve their own problems. On this planet, everyone is directed towards helping themselves before helping anyone else, unless they are altruists! Life is full of looters! Without personal gain, no one gives anything! If someone does help without expecting anything in return, then we call those people friends and these are rare! Wake up to the real world! The singer hinted as to who he was and what he wanted. And you wrote constantly...

- If there were a psychologist in this story he would probably sign me up for some psychotherapy and label me as this or that… these “labels” are indicative of symptoms and provide explanations for things.

- Your “illness” is called being passionate or having a crush or whatever... In any case, it makes you blind, weak and a writer. I see that you started signing your emails Nymph Flower?! Didn’t you say your new name was Nymph Artemis?

- In the beginning I thought I should call myself “Nymph Flower” but the “Flower” was bothering me because it suggested delicacy, fragility…

- Tell me things...what happened exactly?

- I don’t know what I was thinking when I started to stalk him with written cell phone messages. The first one said: “After midnight, vampire kisses!” This was on an early Thursday morning in the end of November. He left me a message on my cell phone that day. I was in the shower. I didn’t hear the cell phone ring and so it went to voice mail. He said, “Yes...after midnight...well after midnight...call me in a couple of hours. I’m at the airport in Paris. I’m on my way to Portugal...” – he said this in a raspy, almost sensual, tone of voice.

- Whoa! That’s awesome!

- I didn’t understand what he was getting at!...

- You are very intelligent, but sometimes you’re an idiot! Don’t you get it?! He wanted to see you! He wanted you to wait for him and then… who knows what would happen after midnight. Maybe he’d turn into the Wolfman and eat you up!

- Where was I supposed to wait for him? At the airport?!... And then what would we do? Just have sex?! In exchange for what? If he wants prostitutes, he can just go pay for them! Love is free, the rest isn’t!

- You’re messed up sometimes… Look, for a relatively successful singer, he’s actually been quite patient after all the rejections you’ve given him! I would almost swear that he likes you!

- He might like me, or maybe he finds me interesting. He could have planned our get together with a little more warning, don’t you think? I had to go to work early the next day! Imagine hanging out all night, then the car ride back home in the early morning hours, getting home and changing clothes, having breakfast and going directly to work… do you think it would be doable? Aren’t there other days? More convenient days?! Yes, there are! That was just a whim of his... who knows. I didn’t understand it. I called him two hours later, just like he had asked me on the voice mail message he’d left... He immediately asked me where I was. I told him that I was at home. Then between what seemed to be him giving instructions to his driver: “Yes, you can put the bags there...”, he asked me if all was well with me, with work… I just kept replying yes to his questions.

- Don’t you know how to make conversation?... Is writing all you know how to do?!... Then what?

- And then, as if he had remembered something that he wanted to clarify with me, he put a smile on his voice and said, “It seems to me that you don’t believe that those email replies you received were from a hacker. I’m not him! This is me!...” and he repeated, “This is me!” I asked him: “Should I continue to write you?...” He said yes. He replied quite confidently. Actually, his exact words were, “Of course!”

- And when was he rude? You mentioned that he had been rude…

- That happened about one month later, after this last phone call. Before that message he left on my voice mail, he had sent an email response to another one where I signed off as Nymph for the first time.  He responded: “You possess me… hard and infinite…”

- You could have answered saying: “I am already yours! Possess me! I can’t take it anymore! I am on infinite fire. I need your infinite!”

- Still there was a last reaction to the following phone message: “Night, bodies quiver, you and I…The exorcist Nymph”... I sent this one around one o’clock in the morning in early December.

- The exorcist Nymph! What do you exorcise? Most people exorcise demons. You need to exorcise your angles to see if you can transform into a little devil...

- He called me about a minute later and with a naughty voice said, “Nymph Flower...” He seemed to be repeating to himself a name that he liked hearing and continued, “I am quite busy. I’m in Madrid... I don’t like these technological inventions very much. You send me a lot of messages: on the internet, on my cell phone... I don’t like it...” I was worried. Actually, I was so constrained that I sank into my bed. I had already gone to bed when I sent him the message. I sank as if wanting to hide from a telephone beating and replied in an incredulous voice, “You don’t like it?...” He noticed that I had gotten insecure and took advantage of my reaction to say something more audacious. In a confident tone and surely with a smile on his face he said, “No, I don’t like it. I prefer body language!”

- What did you say?

- Involuntarily I said, “Me too.”

- Oh, really?!

- Yes. “Me too!” He counter-argued immediately, “It doesn’t seem that that’s the case... so many messages!” I got so uncomfortable that I became silent, almost as if pouting, and then I coughed slightly as if what he said had been extremely inconvenient. He didn’t know what to say and said, “I’m going to bed.”

- My God! He didn’t know what to do with you! And another thing: If you do decide to become an artist one day, you have to be much more daring!! You can’t complicate things or think about things in a philosophical manner all the time! Then what did you say to him? I could probably swear that you’re reply to his “I’m going to bed.” was, “Good night...” in a soft and insecure tone. Am I right? And one day he got angry, correct?

- He got angry on January 2nd of this year. 2000! Nice date, right? The start of the new millennium... He got pissed off with me at the beginning of a new millennium!

- Was he really angry?

- He must have already been in a bad mood and worried about something. Just like lots of other bands, he had released an album in November… This CD did not have the same sales as his previous ones and this must have been a shock to him, I think. In order to try to cheer him up, in the end of December I sent him a phone message that went something like, “Problems are like blue panthers with pink eyes. They don´t exist! Always think positive ! Ok? Kisses”

- Where did that come from? Blue panthers with pink eyes?! I don’t get it...

- What I wanted to say was, just like blue panthers with pink eyes don’t exist, serious problems don’t exist either!...

- Pink eyed panthers... How do you know they don’t exist? Black swans exist, did you know that?

- Yes... in Australia, but it’s hard to believe that pink eyed panthers exist! Did you know that very soon Australians are going to acquire an exotic bird that is blonde with orange highlights? You, sweetie! He tried to hire a new soul through pseudo-intellectual lyrics for his new CD and it did not sell ...

- Let´s order two slices of pizza, shall we?

- Good idea. The fact that CD sales have been low must have affected him on several levels…Seeing that the music market is already small in Portugal. I think most singers make most of their money performing for Portuguese communities in foreign countries like Switzerland, France, Canada and especially the United States.

- Explain the break up on January 2nd.

- A few hours before the New Year, I left him a message on his voice mail that went, “This is a recorded message. I’m going to celebrate the New Year in a house nearby that looks like a castle from the outside but that in the past used to be a brothel. You’re going to be in concert... What if you shoot against the stage lights so that everything would go dark and I could climb onto the stage without anyone noticing to give you a kiss.” I ended the message with some smiles. Whatever... stupidities of mine.

- You spent the New Year in a brothel?!

- The nightclub had been a luxurious brothel in the past... It was bought and transformed into a nightclub years ago...

- It was once a luxurious brothel?! I know the club but was unaware of that detail. I spent New Year’s Eve in the Algarve, as you know, with my new boyfriend.What was his reaction to your message? 

- On January 2nd, two days later, I called him. He answered. I said, “Hi! It’s me, Nymph Flower!” He didn’t even let me say anything else, “You... are obsessed with me…” He said this in a long drawn out tone, cautious and indicating that I had an exaggerated and scary obsession towards him! He was accompanied by a woman because I could hear her high heels striking the wooden pavement as she walked. I could clearly hear her heels striking as she walked. She must have been moving away so that he could talk alone. I don’t know if it was out of her own will or because he had given her some sort of signal but clearly the sound of her heels was getting farther and farther away and then he ordered her to, “Close the door!” The way he said it made it clear that the conversation was not going to be pleasant, as if he didn’t want her to hear the rude things that would come out of his mouth. Clearly, they were only meant for my ears. The things he was going to say were obscene, but he would say them all the same, in the worse tone possible. It had to be this way because the girl on the other end of the line wasn’t able to see the limits! I’ll show her! “You can send the messages you want wherever you want… to my email, my post office box… wherever… but not here!! Not my cell phone! This is a private space!”

- I told you! Tell him to go to hell! You don’t know this guy and you gave him so much attention, for what?!! You don’t need him! You are the way you are: ingenuous, fragile, well-intentioned but exaggerated in your actions… This whole story is making you emotionally unbalanced! Just because he’s a singer and musician, do you think he’s going to appreciate your literary creativity or your way of being?! Hey… you’re not going to start crying, right? Sooner or later he was going to think you were obsessed. I warned you! He’s rude and disrespectful and the kind of person who makes believe that he’s special, creative, unique… I hope one day you come out on top and he sinks forever!

- The best part is still coming up. I wanted to talk, but he wouldn’t let me... Seeing that I was insisting on trying to speak he said, “I don’t want to... but you’re forcing me to hang up the phone in your face!” So, I stopped talking.

- Hang up the phone in your face?!... What a nice boy! Why didn’t you hang up in his face?!!!

- Then he added, in a calmer tone, “You are forcing me to have to close this cell phone account... I have three cell phones... and you’re actions are making me have to eliminate this number…” I was so shocked by his aggressive behavior that I calmly said, “That won´t be necessary…” I was surprised by the drama that he was making! Noticing that he was able to make me feel guilty, he repeated himself, but this time in a more gentle and deliberate tone. It was almost as if he were trying to explain something to a child that was so obvious and that the child should have known was not correct a long time ago. He said, “You’re forcing me to close… you can continue to write me. Although I receive a lot of emails from many fans, I will read yours all the same.”

- Listen, angel. Your story with him is totally surreal and there’s no future in it! You are better than he is. You deserve to have a great man by your side and not a guy like this one who lives for his image and hungers to impress. Leave him! He is on a downward spiral; on his way to becoming a nobody! On the other hand, you’re going to cross boundaries, fly! You have to convince yourself that what I’m saying is true! Your little angelic wings are going to grow and become huge and are going to take you to all parts of the world! Don’t cry. You have to stay calm, have faith, believe and fight… Like the saying goes: “God writes on crooked lines…” You’re whole story is wrong, illogical, absurd and maybe that’s where the comedy lies, in it being totally abnormal! You’re not normal!... That’s bad for the real world, non-productive, but in artistic terms, good.

- Good?!

- Yes. Haven’t you realized that all those who reached mega-stardom have a lot of abnormal incidents in their lives?... In the artistic world trying to behave like the majority and being part of the herd doesn’t work. So, being abnormal is good my little angel! Remember the Brazilian fortune teller who said that you’d be famous one day and that crowds would follow you? You see? Why would you want to be normal?! You’re smiling! That’s better!

- Thanks for your support... I was feeling down... I’m better now.

- Sweetie... it’s your nerves giving off signs of suffering. You liked him. You trusted him... You understand that you have to leave him now, right?

- When he got calmer and told me that I could  keep writing, I was finally able to get a word in and don’t remember exactly if I asked if he could meet me, or if he wanted to see me or if it was possible for us to meet, or if he wanted to and could meet me...

- My God! I get it! You asked if he could meet you personally. And he said that he didn’t have any time, right?

- He responded by screaming, almost in hysteria, “WHAT?! WHAT?!”

- Get away from him! End of story! I’m sure that God will make things go your way. One day you’ll understand that everything had to be like this.

- You, hot babe, an atheist... speaking about God…

- Why not?! God can’t stop me from talking about Him whether I believe in Him or not. God is the best! Better than the human race! About the singer: your ingenuity revolts me! You didn’t want to see what was happening right in front of you! I warned you!!! You are the person who’s most responsible for your absurd illusion with this guy!... You know it’s true! You should have hung up the phone in his face! End of story! End of singer! And end the stupidities!

- It was humiliating... As if his shouting “WHAT?!” was not enough, I stupidly said, “But I’ve written to you for eighteen months!” He replied, “That doesn’t mean anything!”

- Clown! Cheer up. Don’t be so sad. When I get to Australia I’m going to buy you a huge stuffed cuddly kangaroo and mail it over to you!... I’m going to see if I can find one with pink eyes!

- I hate being insecure... I get down...

- In this life, we’re all insecure... We all have things we’re scared of. But, when insecurities surround you, you should pretend to both yourself and others that you’re fine so that they can’t sense you’re insecure. Those with a bad character would love to take advantage of that by belittling you with their words and actions. But, the majority will limit themselves to withdrawing from you. These are weak and can’t support dealing with your insecurities. They can hardly handle their own insecurities let alone yours. If you want to live well or go to that artistic world where you are a singer, you have to be relentless towards those who want to ruin your life. You’ll have to deal with a lot of people from managers to musicians to events promoters, lawyers and so on, so you have to make it clear that those who mess with you will have to pay dearly! Understand sweet cute angel? Life is a dirty business, an exchange... giving more than you receive is called deficit or, in other words: suffering.

- You´re right…

- Calm down. You will never feel alone, you’ll always have your artistic work to fulfill you. I’m going to share something with you: I think creating an artistic work be it a book, music, painting or other, allows mere mortals to access another dimension... the soul becomes divine, abandoning what is vile... Speaking this way, did I sound just like a poet? Did you like it?

- Yes! I love your poetry! Let´s finish the rest of my story with the singer... I’ll be quick. In regards to my question about meeting up with him and his screaming, “WHAT?!” I forgot to tell you that he added, “The absence of an answer is your answer!!!”

- What an idiot! You have the patience of a saint! And then you said that thing about having written to him for a year and a half, right?

- Yes... and he replied, I repeat: “That doesn’t mean anything!!” and then he went on, but a little kinder now, “You can write me. I print the emails and read them calmly, but no more messages to my cell phone.” Tell me, can you understand any of this? Does he want to break it off or not?

- If you became dependent on him, he probably has also unconsciously become dependent on you, on reading you...

- Do you think?! Stop joking!

- I’m being serious! You, my little angel, captivate the heart of those who read you... It’s easy to like you. You’re very naive... sometimes I feel like shaking you out of it to see if you can wake up to the real world, although I also like you the way you are. You believe in miracles, in the goodness of life, in friendships and that gives me faith. It makes me believe that the world is a good place to live in. I am the opposite of you. I’m a doubter. I’m bitter. I feel better when I am around you and your way of seeing the world. It may be that the same thing happened with this singer. Maybe he feels better when reading your emails. Maybe you relieve his soul, who knows? Public figures deal with all types of people: manipulators, opportunists, liars, hypocrites, corrupt people and who knows what else!... Sometimes it’s good to find angelic naive friends like you... They make life more bearable...

- Do you think that if I end up writing lyrics for some songs I should tell him about them?

- Nobody knows who you are so I don’t know if he’d find it prestigious working with you, although you are very creative. He usually works with musicians that are well known, but you can try… although I doubt that he’d give you any feedback.

- You know, I’m trying to get some information about copyright laws for song lyrics. I wrote to a big record label and an establishment I found on the internet connected to copyright laws... and, nothing! No one has said anything!

- Relax... you’ll find out how to register your songs.

- I’m going to tell you one more thing... I went to see a lecture of his two days ago!

- This story with the singer still hasn’t ended?! Don’t pull my leg!!! You went to his lecture?! For what? Could the audience ask him questions?!

- Yes, at the end. Most of the people there were university students. Interestingly, the audience was evenly divided between men and women.

- You didn’t ask him a question. I’m certain of it! You’re so shy!

- Well... most of the questions came from the female students…They all wanted in on the action…

- Not shy at all, right? He’s also not shy, right? You see? Don’t you think you were wasting your time with him?

- Some students asked him more elaborate, intellectual questions, but most of the audience asked simple questions like, “Once, in a concert you gave in this city, you said that you had a lot of girlfriends here... Did you stroll around the city with them or just go straight to the hotel?” He was evasive but said, “You shouldn’t believe everything I say...” Then, another girl asked him what he would do if the world ended the following day.

- He said he’d fuck, right?

- Yes. I got there early to get a place in the first row and I saw him arrive. He was accompanied by a camera man, a driver (who by the looks of it was also his bodyguard) and a journalist who would probably end up writing an article about his lecture… He said that if he knew the world would come to an end the following day he’d just fuck! It wouldn’t be love! Just fucking! And then he retorted with the same question, “And you, what would you do?” Se said, “Fuck...”

- Did she have a nice body?

- No… nothing special. No body, not cute, not even the way she dressed… I’d say that she was probably modes, but she said, “Fuck…” with a tone in her voice that sounded as if, “I’m anemic. You’re going to have to do all the work because all I’m going to do is open my legs!” The lecture ended and he was surrounded by the female students wanting his autograph. I also approached him and he was obviously bothered by this. I got closer and closer in the line and he started to say that he had to go. He asked a fan who was waiting for his autograph what time it was and then said, “I really have to go.” A fan in front of me on the line told him that she’d gone there on purpose to see him even though she had to get up early the next day for class. It was almost midnight. She asked him if he still remembered her from another autograph session. My eyes turned to her for an instant and when I looked back at him I noticed that he had looked at me in the same moment. The second our eyes met he looked quickly at that fan again and asked her a question. He asked her to repeat her question, which she did, “Do you remember me from another autograph session?” As he saw me getting closer and closer, he looked more and more nervous... agitated... I felt sorry for him and decided to leave without getting an autograph.

- Felt sorry for him?! You are hilarious... Don’t you want to come with me to Australia?

- Me?! Who knows... one day... From the pictures you’ve shown me, it looks beautiful!

 

 

Date: Monday,  08 May 2000   10:37pm,  Subject: "Song lyrics”

Hello! I’ve attached twelve song lyrics that I wrote for a future album called “Incenso” to this email.

The lyrics are done... The only thing lacking is the music. I don’t know how to compose music, but you do …

A lot of times I notice, in songs that I hear on the radio or see on the television that while the lyrics may be sad, the song is usually very cheerful… curious contrast.

In regards to the lyrics I sent, please feel free to criticize them and provide suggestions…

Thanks, Ninfa Artemis

 

 

Date: Sunday, 18 June 2000   09:47am   *Subject: “Songs and things from the Heart”

A month and a half has gone by. You haven’t sent me any comments regarding the lyrics I sent in my last email. Were you scared of discouraging me? Or did you not even read them?

The songs are about things from the heart.

When I finished them, I was sad. Maybe I’ll write some more... I liked writing them. It’s like having a friend who supports us, listens to us… I feel like I’m not alone in this world, that maybe I am here for a reason, that maybe I have things to say...

The lyrics that I wrote helped me emotionally. I have a strong emotional connection to them. These lyrics helped me and maybe they can help others. People have problems and love seems to be that insoluble and repetitive problem sometimes. People search for consolation or a solution for their lives and many times songs provide this.

The same women that adore you today will also adore me, in the future. I believe that you and I will “share” the same women. Besides this female support, the masculine sex will also be near. I hope that this masculine support is stronger than yours because after all, I am a woman with long hair.           

Writing lyrics to songs is not that simple and not that easy. The ideas come in sentences, but don’t always rhyme. Other times they don’t meet the expectations of crowd because they are too peculiar and difficult for us to express clearly to others. But although I’ve got spiritual energy, I am a normal, mundane human being which makes it easy for me to reach out to the crowd.

A little mundane and normalcy are good things. One just has to be careful with the dosage because we always end up absorbing the normal-mundane environment that surrounds us.

To write the lyrics to the songs I always carried a small notebook with me, in my pocket. I would jot down the ideas that would pop into my head. Sometimes they would come and go quickly, so I had to write fast before I lost them or forgot them.

The life I currently lead does not avenge my imagination and my way of being. I’m tired of my days… days that go by like live frogs which I swallow. One day the frogs will be so big that I will suffocate…           

A few days ago I wrote the following on an internet band search site: “Looking for a band. I would be lead singer. I need a band composed of rebellious musicians in search of a singer. I refuse to imitate other singers. Music genres: rock, pop, jazz, fado, a mix of everything. The stranger, the better.”

No one responded to my ad... maybe it was a bizarre ad... Do you think?

Ninfa Artemis

 

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